BABY LOVE: The overbearing grandma

The first few weeks after childbirth can be both exciting and demanding. While it’s normal for family and friends to want to meet and bond with the newborn, some well-meaning individuals cross the line when it comes to child care support.

Your mother, with all her experience in parenting, can be particularly overbearing. This was the case for Mueni, a 34-year-old first-time mother of a four-week-old girl. Just in her ninth month of marriage, Mueni’s relationship with her mother-in-law has become strained ever since the baby came.

“She’s always here!” she sighs, “Then she completely takes over. She insists on being the one to hold, feed and bathe the baby.

“It feels like we’re in a tug of war for my daughter. Even if I’m holding or feeding the baby wrong (which I don’t believe I am), how am I ever going to learn if you don’t let me do it?” She poses.

Mueni has not expressed her feelings to either her mother in-law or her husband, fearing a confrontation. This has left her frustrated. “I only complain to my friends and even though we laugh it off, it’s not a joke.”

GARNDMOTHER THE BIGGEST PROBLEM

Like Mueni, Susan, whose daughter is now five years old, says that the child’s grandmother (Susan’s mother) was her biggest problem after she gave birth.

 “I resolved to breastfeed exclusively for the first six months. One time my grandmother and my mum were visiting and they kept insisting that the baby was crying because she was hungry since I wasn’t feeding her solids. She was two weeks old.

When I explained the exclusive breastfeeding concept, they made curt jokes about how they fed their children on day one and nobody died. I was so angry, I lashed out at them... and the baby wailed some more! My mother kept on dropping hints that I was starving the baby throughout the six months.”

Today, Susan continues to experience some disconnect between how she raises her child and what her mother ‘approves’ of.

“For example, I don’t believe in hitting or punishing. One day at my mum’s house, my daughter was whining. As I was trying to diffuse the situation diplomatically, Mum said: ‘you know some pinches would straighten her out…why do you treat her like your friend, she’s a child!’ She was right; I should act like a parent and be firm. But I just don’t believe in inflicting physical pain to instill discipline. My mum thinks it’s ridiculous and criticises me about it. She makes it look like a joke, but her tone expresses disapproval of my parenting.”

With this conflict in how you parent versus how your loved ones feel you should parent, it is necessary to set boundaries.  Anthony Kibathi, a family counsellor in Nairobi, advises parents to be wary of toxic people and situations that might contribute to their emotional instability.

“If the parent is disturbed, so will the child be. The parent’s and the child’s wellbeing and feelings, not friends’ and family’s, should come first,” he says.

Moreover, because different people have different approaches to parenting, there is bound to be some conflict. Close family members are also excited about their new roles and have their own ideas about how their new relative should be raised.

“Communicate your expectations and tell them about the reasonable boundaries you have set in relation to people influencing how you raise your child,” Kibathi advises.

HOW TO DEAL WITH UNWANTED ADVICE

 TAG TEAM

Don’t bear the frustrations by yourself. Discuss this with your partner. Some situations are best handled by a particular partner e.g. it’s better for him to talk to his mother.

If he leaves you to stand up to his mother, it’s likely that your concerns will be received negatively. He should talk to his mother about your need to bond as a family, making sure that he uses the reference “we feel” and not “Jane feels.”  The same goes for other family members and friends.

SET BOUNDARIES

Raise your concerns and stay true to yourself without being restrained by the fact that the other person might get hurt or angry.

After stating your truth (e.g. I’d really appreciate if I could have the afternoons to myself because…), allow the other person to react.

Hopefully, this will precipitate a healthy discussion where both of you can reach a compromise e.g. instead of saying your mother-in-law “shouldn’t visit so often,” compromise by having her come over for a specific activity that she loves each Saturday afternoon. 

DISCUSS EXPECTATIONS

Let the overbearing person know in very clear terms (not dropping hints or lying) that you need time alone to rest or bond with your child. Often, loved ones feel as if they are obligated or expected to drop in often. If constant family visits are more straining than helpful, compromise their need to be there and your need to be alone by setting a specific time (e.g. Sunday afternoon) for meet-the-baby time. Alternatively, arrange to go visit them at a more convenient time.

MAKE THEM HELP

Do not feel obligated to play host. Make a to-do-list and have them pick out something that they can help you take care of.

Be very clear that it’s not the things they want to do (e.g. show/lecture you on how to feed and dress the baby) but the things you actually need help with (e.g. laundry, shopping, etc.) if you don’t let them know what you want, they’ll do what they think you want.

 TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF SALT

More often than not, the advisor wants to prove their parenting style is superior. Of course, not all advice should be tossed to the wind. However, babies are not alike. Similarly, something that was okay in the 80s may have been disapproved by emerging research.

The best possible response to advice is patience, a smile and saying, “Thank you, I’ll think about it” or “I’ll check with my doctor.” No one can argue with that. At the end of the day, when all the grandma advice, research and doctor’s visits are done, you will realise parenting involves a lot of going with your gut.