Bringing back the chivalrous man

How many times have you sat and listened to a woman complain that there are no good men left?

That chivalry died and left a breed of rude and selfish men in its place? This belief is so deeply ingrained that traditional acts of chivalry are often frowned upon as suspicious.

“I can’t just accept it. When a man is too nice, I wonder what he wants in return,” shares Janice, a 27-year-old artist who believes that chivalry is rare or dead at worst.

Is there a basis for her beliefs? Is chivalry a foreign concept to the current generation of men? Do women need to be suspicious of chivalrous men?

These questions prompted us to carry out a dipstick survey of men aged between 23 and 39, which showed that you would be wrong to assume that chivalry is dead.

A talk with a few women also showed that both the average man and woman is uncertain of what a true chivalrous act is. Dictionary.com describes it as the sum of the ideal qualifications associated with a knight including courtesy, generosity, valour and dexterity in arms.

During the medieval times it included some acts which may seem incompatible with the notions of gender equality that we have today; like gentlemen laying their jackets on puddles of water for women to cross over.

What does chivalry entail today?

Stephen Maru an image consultant says that it is simply courtesy, generosity and consideration especially towards women. It’s being treated with respect where matters of everyday life are concerned.

He says, “Now things have changed. Instead of texting her, call her to set up a date. Simply follow the doctrine of women and children first. That’s consideration.”

SLIPPING STANDARDS

However, not all men will meet such standards, and this should come as no surprise seeing as even the initial concept was associated with knights who were an exclusive class of men. Nevertheless, men insist that they still practise this virtue, so why are women complaining? When you talk to the guys, you realise that women have contributed to the demise of gentlemanliness, and no, the culprit isn’t the angry feminist.

While admitting that there are men who will do nice things for a woman while expecting something in return, Kevin Oyugi a 36-year-old bachelor and programme officer with an NGO, feels that women tend to ignore gentlemen and instead focus on dating men who can never treat them right.

“Why doesn’t a woman want to be made to feel special? Why all the mistrust thinking that if someone is nice they want something in return?” he poses.

This assertion that women do not think they deserve to be treated well and hence are suspicious of chivalrous men is supported by Joseph Jacques in his book Chivalry now: The Code of Male Ethics, where he blames the low standards that women have set for themselves for the decline in gentlemanliness. Women get into relationships not expecting much from a man. The man in turn reads into it making him think that it’s okay to treat her poorly. If a man sees that he can get away with this, he will do even less to make her feel special making it a vicious cycle.

“If you feel you don’t deserve it you won’t get it,” he writes.

We are living at a time when women are so quick to put themselves out to be objectified; indecency is increasingly getting rewarded. Young women especially get the idea that being a sex object is the only way for a woman to be valued. Women are allowing themselves to be judged based solely on their physical attributes, why should a man see her beyond the physical? Why should a man respect a woman who barely respects herself?

A gentleman cannot exist without a lady. A woman also needs to adhere to certain standards and it appears like the instant she frees herself from these, she frees a man from chivalry as well.

To get men back on track, it seems that women will have to embrace personal accountability. Women should start expecting more which will in turn prompt men to give more. Do you feel like the men you meet do not treat you well enough? Demand more. Hold the men you date to higher standards.

MISSING THE POINT

“A man needs motivation sometimes,” twenty-nine-year-old Joe Kibet a marketer explains why he sometimes doesn’t go out of his way to be nice to a woman or to make her feel special.

 “If I carry heavy bags for a woman or hold open a door for her, I expect a ‘thank you’ or at least a smile,” he says.

He doesn’t see the point of being nice if a woman cannot appreciate it. This expectation of recognition or gratitude is one to which many men attach to their acts of kindness making one wonder whether both sexes have missed the point of chivalry.

Ideally, the point of these acts is love, service and sacrifice, placing another’s comfort and safety above your own. Chivalry comes from a point where both sexes agree that men and women are biologically different and that men are physically stronger.

Having gotten that competition aspect out of the way, the men use their strength to protect and serve women whether or not women appreciate it or actslike ladies deserving of it.