HEART ADVICE: Can I find love with all this baggage?
This week we advise a single mother of three who worries that she will never find a man to love her. PHOTO| FILE
What you need to know:
Ten years of abuse did much damage to your self-esteem, self-love and confidence which are very essential in a healthy relationship.
You should first work on loving yourself and forgiving yourself before you try to find a husband. Remember, you cannot give love if your cup of love is empty.
I am 35 years old and I am a mother of three children. I quit my 10-year marriage two years ago after persevering years of physical and emotional abuse from my irresponsible and philandering husband.
Now, I feel very lonely, but I wonder whether I am too old to find love and whether any man can accept me with my three children. When I left my husband, he told me that I would never find a man to marry me because I was “used and damaged goods”.
I’m starting to suspect he was right because in those two years I have been single, no man has expressed interest in me, except married men who want me to be their mistress. Can I really find my own man, yet I’m old and I have three kids?
READERS’ ADVICE:
Ten years of abuse did much damage to your self-esteem, self-love and confidence which are very essential in a healthy relationship.
You should first work on loving yourself and forgiving yourself before you try to find a husband. Remember, you cannot give love if your cup of love is empty.
Love yourself and marry yourself and you’ll find a partner naturally, and even if he doesn’t come along, you will still be okay. Lastly, cut all ties with your ex if you want to heal. All the best! Wanjiru Ngugi
You’re not too old to find love; people fall in love even in their sixties. It is just that you have not found the right man yet. So do not entertain the thought that you can never find a man to marry you, nor be desperate to find a man, because you will attract the
wrong men, such as married men who only want to use you but will never marry you. Calvin Queens
EXPERT ADVICE
Maurice Matheka, a relationship counsellor answers:
It is time for you to stop describing yourself as just a mother of three. You need to reclaim your womanhood and it starts with changing your mindset and loving yourself.
You need to change how you perceive yourself and revamp your lifestyle: wear makeup, feel good and sexy and go out more. Before people appreciate you, you have to emit the positive energy which will help you filter those married men you seem to be
meeting. It’s not about filling a void, it is about having a person who cares about you, not just by saying a superficial “I love you” but also through his actions. At this juncture, you don’t need another husband or a father figure, what you need is a friend; a
man you can share a laugh with, a man who understands and cares for you genuinely. You need a positive relationship nurtured in a loving environment. Live life enthusiastically and Mr Right will notice you in a crowd and approach you without ill motive.
***
NEXT WEEK’S DILEMMA: I have been friends with this girl for a long time and any time we are home for the holidays, we spend a lot of time together. I have feelings for her but I have never told her. I think about her and even dream about her a lot.
I want her to be my girlfriend, but I’m not sure how she will react to my proposal and whether my proposal will ruin our friendship. Should I just ask her to be my girlfriend or should I keep my feelings to myself? And if I do ask her, how should I go about
it without ruining our friendship?
