Check your expectations

“What a man can do a woman can do better,” goes the old adage. Here is what a woman cannot do better than a man (apart from peeing standing): Have a Friends with Benefits arrangement, or FWB.

FWB is a colloquial that means a no strings attached sexual liaison between a willing man and a willing woman.

It is exclusively driven by lust. There are no pretensions of dinner dates, birthday gifts, or sweet nothings. It is wham, it is bam, and it is bye bye ma’am, until the next time.

Puritans, Bible thumpers, and traditionalists might frown at this phenomenon, but the truth is, it is happening out there. Relationships have just become too laborious and demanding and some people do not even have time for any because of work obligations.

And besides, there just is not a pool of decent women (or men, I hear) worth dating anymore. So FWB offers that convenience of having your milk without keeping a cow on a tether.

Most women think they can handle a FWB. And some do, for a few months. Then they are confronted by the harsh reality that they cut their cloth according to the man’s size, not theirs.

At the beginning it is all modern-girl bravado where the woman proclaims, to friends, over glasses of wine and with a dismissive wave of her hand, that the guy is a nobody, “just some guy showing me a good time until I meet a guy I want to date.”

A few months later she will be sitting with the same girls lamenting how her FWB has become a complete ass and she cannot see any reason to continue with the liaison. What she does not say to the friends is that she now likes him and his bald spot is no longer a problem.

CLEAR RULES

It takes a cold heart to engage in a FWB. Women can do it, but they do not possess the heart to do it for too long. Men have sex to release, to conquer, and to tame; women have sex to release, yes, but also to connect emotionally. And as sure as the sun will rise from the east, it is mostly the woman who will complicate a FWB arrangement by feeling that it has become “empty” or “meaningless” or their “hearts just aren’t in it anymore.” And that is the thing; FWB is not a heart thing, it is a head thing. Hearts complicate issues.

This will happen when the rules of engagement are breached. And the rules are clear: She cannot stay over for the weekend. And you cannot leave your clothes over at hers — not even a toothbrush — unless you are dating. She cannot be your Valentine. She also cannot be in any position where she questions your actions outside her door. Most importantly, she cannot just rock up at your house unannounced and you cannot give her your house keys. It is imperative that you use protection. And you cannot accompany her to a wedding.

There is just something about accompanying a woman to a wedding that is like going down a rabbit hole. Always remember that you are not necessarily there for her brilliant mind; in fact, most often than not you are only there for her brilliant posterior. The rest is details.

Talking of which, sometimes the man might fall for the FWB. But you will only fall for her if you insist on breaking bread together, going for movies, and sitting down with her long enough to get sucked in by her infectious personality.

This is when he might show up at her place without calling ahead; if you do because you had too much to drink and find size 12 shoes outside her door and a large orangutan of a man sitting in your favourite chair, whisky in hand, do not fret, boy. That is not your territory, you are a drifter. Turn around and go home, Roger. You cannot get jealous, you cannot get possessive, and you cannot get nosy. You can never, ever ask her after she has finished a phone conversation, “Who was that?”

Gentlemen, but you know you need to cut your losses and bail on an FWB when the woman wants to cuddle after sex. There is no greater sign the universe will give you than this.

If she says, “Can we just cuddle for five minutes?” bolt out of that house and go dress up in the car because a wrecking ball is headed your way. I say this because do not think she will just cuddle and keep quiet. Women do not cuddle and shut up; they talk.

And she will start telling you about her wicked colleagues at work and her mother’s high blood pressure… stuff that you care very little about. Do not be stuck in this pillow talk. This is not a TV talk show, you are not Steve Harvey. What is going to happen next? She will light candles and invite you to meet her girls.

All in all, FWB is not a romance. Check your expectations at the door.