FLAKES: Cow versus cane

The sugar and milk wars have infiltrated the household. There we were, ranged against each other at the breakfast table. One group was boycotting sugar while the opposing groups had decided to shun milk. ILLUSTRATION| JOSEPH NGARI

What you need to know:

  • The milk group argued that their product is the stuff of life. Milk is a human being’s first food.

  • It is extremely healthy, packed with the important, bone building mineral calcium, plenty of vitamins, muscle-strengthening protein, and its own unique brand of sugar – lactose.

  • And, despite packing such a nutritional punch, milk is a slimming fold, providing just nine calories of energy per tablespoon.

The sugar and milk wars have infiltrated the household. There we were, ranged against each other at the breakfast table. One group was boycotting sugar while the opposing groups had decided to shun milk.

Everyone had a cup of tea resting, untasted, at their elbow. The breakfast cereal remained in its box. Facial expressions were sour.

Suddenly, Junior piped up with a question: “Do cows eat sugarcane?” His question should have cast a glimmer of light into the general gloom. However, hungry families are angry families. “Shut up and Google it,” growled the digital teen. “I just wish they did. Then at least my tea would taste of something!” moaned Dad, the de facto leader of the milk group. “How do you think they chew off the tough skin, moron?” hissed the evil sister. Baby, a default member of the milk faction, just chortled.

The milk group argued that their product is the stuff of life. Milk is a human being’s first food.

It is extremely healthy, packed with the important, bone building mineral calcium, plenty of vitamins, muscle-strengthening protein, and its own unique brand of sugar – lactose.

And, despite packing such a nutritional punch, milk is a slimming fold, providing just nine calories of energy per tablespoon.

The sugar faction countered that by saying that their substance was one of the most useful in the world. It is fuel for human muscle and enables us all to work. It packs 36 calories of energy into each tablespoon.

It can easily be converted into fuel for machines. Sugar is the food of joy and human celebration… a wedding, a birthday or Christmas would hardly be complete when not centred around a sugary confection.

And, we all know the famous song from the film Mary Poppins: “Just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, in the most delightful way.”

Unfortunately, after lauding their preferred product, each faction was equally willing to bash their opponents’ preferred substance. “Sugar is poison,” shouted the milk group. “It creates imbalances in the body and makes the brain flabby! It infects people with diabetes! Down with sugar!” “Milk is for babies!” screamed the sugar faction.

“It slimes the body up with mucus. Thousands of people are lactose-intolerant.  If you drink a lot of it, it leaves a nasty white moustache on your upper lip.”

Despite their hostility, I noticed that no one seemed to have much interest in a milk-free or sugar-free breakfast. I tried to make peace by sharing a recipe that combines Kenya’s notorious agricultural commodities into a delicious nighttime toddy that lulls you to sleep.

FLAKE SHAKE

A “Flake Shake” consists of one cupful of milk mixed with one teaspoon of sugar or honey and a generous pinch of ground cloves, heated up in the microwave. No one was impressed. They continued to glare at each other and ignore the food set before them!

 I sought some wisdom to restore peace to the troubled family. To paraphrase the words of Helen Rowland: A wise Kenyan puts a grain of sugar into everything she says, and takes a grain of salt with everything she hears.

And to pick a grain of wisdom from Gordon Ramsay: “Don’t keep on looking back and crying over spilt milk, walk forward and look for the next cow!”

And here is my favourite cow joke, picked from simplybovine.com: A lady from the city is riding in the train when she spots some cows grazing near the track.

“What a cute bunch of cows!” she exclaims, snapping a photo with her smartphone. “Not a bunch, herd,” her companion corrects her. “Heard of what?” she asks him.

“Herd of cows,” he replies. “Of course I’ve heard of cows,” she informs him huffily. “No, a cow herd!” he tries to explain. “Honestly, why should I care what a cow heard!” she admonishes him, “I have no secrets to keep from a cow.”

Consider cow and cane this weekend.