FLAKES: Crazy news bulletin

Rumours are flying around the corridors of power that lists have been abolished. Both medical doctors and psychologists are warning that lists have been shown to cause severe stress to the extent that they can paralyse the operations of an entire office.

While the daily to-do list is considered relatively benign, and may even be beneficial when used, the sealed list is considered a ticking time bomb. In future, lists will be replaced by alerts sent directly to the cellphones of affected parties.

Meanwhile, an international social media portal has profusely thanked a local airline for increasing its traffic exponentially.

The CEO of the site announced a massive increase in messages sent by disaffected, digital clients. “This is the future of Africa,” he quipped.

County news is still dominated by the “money to countryside” movement. An argument is being put forward that the regions cannot accurately be named ‘counties’ until they have more money moved in their direction than can be counted.

Meanwhile in the City County the traffic light at the southern end of Koinange Street received an award for being the only traffic light in the city that is consistently obeyed by motorists.

Thanking the motoring public at the award ceremony, the traffic light commented that it had achieved 90 per cent compliance; only persons who enjoy leadership positions were ignoring its dictates.

Meanwhile, other traffic lights in the city have formed a group known as ATLAS (Angry Traffic Lights Association) to lobby for stiffer penalties for those who disregard a traffic light (or perhaps for medical treatment since many drivers in Nairobi appear to suffer from red/green colour-blindness.)

In international news, an elephant in Thailand grabbed a tourist’s camera and captured a brilliant photograph which is being celebrated as the world’s first “elphie.” This is also an excellent example of innovation, demonstrating that there could be a selfie stick packed in every trunk. Not to be outdone, a cat in Torquay, England, is setting the world abuzz with the loudest purr on record.

Merlin’s purr has been measured at 67.8 decibels, and he can apparently be heard over a hairdryer.

I am disappointed that my five fish have done absolutely nothing that can be described as clever! (Actually they have all gathered at the front of the aquarium and are staring at me as I write this, so I may yet suffer some repercussions.)

In science news, a report has been published that indicates that Paracetamol may harm unborn boys’ fertility, and warns pregnant women to avoid the pain pills.

In response the English Language Institute has updated the maxim ‘no pain no gain’ to read ‘no pain, no grandchildren!’

Engineers at Chuo Kikuu have announced the invention of a lift that responds to multiple button pushes, arriving faster in response to the urgent pressing of impatient lift users.

Research is continuing and next year they hope to unveil a lift that correctly interprets the real needs of lift users who press both the up and down button while waiting for a lift.

While welcoming these developments, engineers have called for innovations that will help improve lives of those who have already boarded the lift.

Breaking technology news is that the Annual Engineering Debate has ended with the Civil Engineers once again taking home the trophy. The subject of the debate this year was “Which engineering profession is most evident in the design of human beings?”

The debating team sponsored by the Association of Mechanical Engineers argued that the human skeletal system with its many joints was evidence of the work of a mechanical engineer.

The team from the Institute of Electrical and Electronic Engineers rebutted the claim with an impressive simulation of the human nervous system, demonstrating its myriad electrical connections.

However, a single team member from the Society of Registered Civil Engineers brought the house down and the trophy home by stating, “Only a Civil Engineer would consider passing a sewage pipe through a recreational area.”

Watch a quality news channel this Saturday.