Does age really matter in serious relationships?

The norm in relationships is that men date or marry younger women and women date or get married to older men. According to Vinita Mehta, a psychologist and author of How Our Stone Age Genes Complicate Modern Relationships, this is because of fertility and resources.

 “Women are naturally drawn to older men since they typically have greater resources while men are attracted to women who portray signs of fertility through youthfulness,” she says.

However, it is becoming more common to find younger men going out with significantly older women. Nevertheless, turning the tables on age is no longer an issue. In fact, according to Dr Mehta, age difference is not as important as things like physical attraction, personality and compatibility.

“With increased divorce rates, disinterest in marriage and women earning more money, the question of age becomes invalid,” she says.

Nonetheless, dating someone who is significantly older or younger will still turn heads and this poses the question of whether age difference should be a concern.

In most cases, studies done on relationships where there’s a huge age gap tend to point to an inevitable breakdown. For instance, according to a study of 3, 000 people conducted in late 2014 by Emory University’s department of economics in the US, a larger age gap is related to a higher divorce rate.

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The study found that married couples with a one-year age difference were three per cent likely to divorce; those with a five-year gap had an 18 per cent chance of divorce; those with a ten-year difference between them were 39 per cent likely to divorce and lastly, couples with a 20-year age gap were 95 per cent likely to go separate ways.

According to Susan Gacheru, a family therapist based in Nakuru, dealing with social reactions to the age gap is what triggers a breakdown of such relationships. 

Gacheru further notes that before jumping into these kinds of relationships, you should answer any lingering questions you may have, especially on longevity, ageing, family, love, compatibility and children.

“If you are getting married to an older or younger man, find out if your goals around marriage, children, lifestyle and freedom match with his,” she advises.

 Interestingly, according to psychologist Patrick Musau, when a man dates an older woman, she is likely to become more aware and concerned about her physical appearance than a younger woman dating an older man.

So do these relationships really work? According to Gacheru, they do, as long as you deal with the challenges early on.

 “The first bit you’ll need to deal with is your confidence, perception towards your relationship and your happiness. This will help you deal with judgmental concerns from friends, strangers and family,” she says.

Further, to make it work, Musau adds that you should neither try to change your partner by remodelling him in a way that reflects youthfulness or maturity. Instead, he observes, the older partner would do well to install the communication skills she has attained through the years in the relationship while the younger partner respects and appreciates the older counterpart’s intelligence and life experiences.

 “Also, talk about the future and the sacrifices you’re both willing to make. For instance, how would you cope with your partner celebrating their 65th birthday while you’re celebrating your 40th?” he poses. Thinking about those things early on and figuring out how to handle them makes all the difference.