Does he love you or does he manipulate you?

It is quite easy to find yourself dating a manipulative, sulky partner.

Dr. Chris Hart, a Nairobi-based psychologist, says that everyone manipulates a little bit. Because of this, it may be hard to tell when you are being manipulated to the point of abuse. Here is how to identify whether you are the queen of his heart… or simply a puppet on strings being held by a controlling partner. 

The victim: Playing victim is one of the major characteristics of manipulative and sulky partners. In fact, according to Dr. Hart, such partners will tend to dig up issues from the past to make you feel terrible or show how unfair you have been to them. If he is wrong, he will not admit to it and will instead deflect his wrong-doing towards you.

For example, if he hits you, he will say: “See, you made me do it by screaming at me or calling me names!” Nakuru-based psychiatrist and part-time relationships coach Martha Kiminda adds that a manipulative man may also attempt to force his social and emotional insecurities down your throat. “For example, he may form a habit of consistently telling you how his ex-lovers always cheated on him with their male friends or colleagues,” she says, in an effort to make you feel bad about ‘making him feel insecure’.

He may also find such cases on social media and tag you on them to show you how correct his view is, and further reinforce that you should stay away from your male colleagues or friends, she says. 

The silent listener: According to counselling psychologist Patrick Musau, you will not notice that a date is intending to manipulate you at first. This is because he will strike you as the most listening, caring person you’ve ever met. “If he thinks he can manipulate you, he will go slow on talking and do more listening,” Musau says.

This, he adds, is the ammunition collection stage, where he will listen to hear your points of weakness and vulnerability… so that he can use them against you later. 

Sulking: We all need quiet time to be alone and reflect every now and then, says Dr. Hart, but some people use silent treatment and sulking to manipulate others. This, he says, is a form of passive-aggressive behaviour. “Frequent and regular sulking is manipulation,” he says. “The sulky partner steadily becomes more and more controlling and eventually overwhelms your own self-confidence and well-being.” 

Hard questions: To regain or stay in control, you will need to see beyond the victim act that the manipulator puts on and ask the hard questions. For example, a manipulative date or spouse will make a request and attempt to manipulate you to meet it. Instead of jumping in blindly, evaluate the request.

Ask whatever questions you feel necessary to get a satisfying answer, no matter how ‘hard’ you think the questions are. A partner with self-awareness will be able to tell when they have gone too far with a request and either back down or compromise.

A manipulative partner, however, will refuse to deal with the issue and instead, take your hesitance or refusal personally and make it about ‘you’.