SEXUAL HEALTH: Exploring intimacy after childbirth

The weeks following the end of a pregnancy can be difficult on both man and woman in a relationship. Here’s how to heal. PHOTO| FILE| NATION MEDIA GROUP

What you need to know:

  • I realised I was dealing with two very frustrated people. There are many myths and practices around resumption of sex after delivery.
  • In some communities, the man is not allowed to have sex with any other woman.
  • In such cultures, it is claimed that if the man does it then comes back home and holds the baby, that baby will contract a strange disease and even die.
  • In such cultures, men rush into having sex with their woman even before she heals.

One year down the line after giving birth, Jane and her husband had not been intimate.

She did not want any body contact with him and had even asked him to move to another bedroom.

“My body needs to heal,” she explained when they both came to see me at the clinic.

“When she kept pushing me away I started talking to my friends who have also had children,” John explained. “I discovered that some have sex even a week after delivery. I do not understand why I should be starved for a year.” John felt that there were other reasons for Jane avoiding sex.

MYTHS AROUND CHILDBIRTH

“If you no longer love me you should just say so. Do not blame it on delivery,” John said angrily.

Jane broke down and wept.

“I totally understand where you both are coming from,” I said. “Calm down and let us explore how to solve this.”

I realised I was dealing with two very frustrated people. There are many myths and practices around resumption of sex after delivery.

In some communities, the man is not allowed to have sex with any other woman. In such cultures, it is claimed that if the man does it then comes back home and holds the baby, that baby will contract a strange disease and even die.

In such cultures, men rush into having sex with their woman even before she heals.

There have been cases of torn stitches in the vagina a few days after women are discharged, because it takes about two weeks for a woman to heal from delivery, even if the vaginal wounds look dry and healed.

It is also important to note that some residual bleeding may go on for days after delivery, making it messy to engage in sex. Even more important, sex immediately after delivery may predispose the woman to infections around the vagina and the uterus. There is definitely good reason to allow healing to happen before resuming sex after delivery.

“Doctor, also remember that caring for the baby is tiring, yet John does not give a damn. Sometimes I am awake for hours in the night when he is soundly asleep,” Jane added.

I agreed with her. Baby care, especially in the early days of delivery, can be demanding. Babies can even sleep all day and stay awake all night, keeping frazzled parents awake when they should be asleep. Many men may not realise how draining this can be on the woman.

“And you know sometimes the breasts are congested and really painful and they also keep me awake,” Jane went on. She had realised that she was winning the argument and was excited to give more evidence to support her position. John remained quiet and distant.

WE MUST COME TOGETHER

“All of that said, we still have our obligations to each other as couples,” I explained. Despite the difficulties that come with delivery, couples should still strive to support each other’s needs. Men should help with baby care and household chores as the woman heals. It is for this reason that paternity leave exists.

The woman should also strive to offer emotional support to the man. Men, just like women, go through difficult emotional times during pregnancy, delivery and baby care. As soon as the delivery wounds heal and especially at about six weeks after delivery, the couple should slowly resume some sexual activity and should escalate it slowly, being conscious of the discomfort that the woman may be realising.

It should be noted that the woman may not feel sexual after delivery. There may be some initial pain. Things, however, take shape a few weeks later.

For the sake of the relationship, partners should make some personal sacrifices. I believe this is what love means. We would then not have to fight over sex after delivery.