Don’t keep him waiting too long

It had been one year without sex. Jane had sent her husband to a separate bedroom. She did not want body contact of any kind, fearing that her husband may get aroused and force her to have sex. “My body needs to heal, and if anything I have no feelings,” Jane explained when she was brought to the clinic by John, her husband.

They had gone through difficult times in the previous days because of what John described as unwarranted forced abstinence.

“When she kept pushing me away I started talking to my friends about it; those whose wives have delivered before,” John explained, “I discovered that some have sex even a week after delivery. I therefore I do not understand why I should be starved for a year.”

John felt that there were other reasons making Jane avoid sex.

“If you no longer love me you should just say so. Do not blame it on delivery. I am fed up with this unromantic life and just know I have options,” John said in rage.
Jane broke down and wept emotionally.

“Sorry John and Jane, I totally understand where you are coming from, calm down and let us explore how to solve this,” I interjected, realising I was dealing with two very frustrated people.

MYTHS

There are many myths and practices around resumption of sex after delivery. In some communities, the man is not allowed to have sex with any other woman unless he has done it with his wife who has delivered. In such cultures, it is claimed that if the man does it and comes back home and holds the baby some strange disease immediately inflicts the baby and death follows.

In such cultures, men rush into having sex with their woman even before she heals. There have been cases of torn stitches in the vagina a few days after women are discharged from the hospital because of this practice. Stitching of the vaginal area is common after delivery because of tears that happen at delivery.

Although most of the time the delivery wounds look dry and healed two weeks after delivery, sex may still not be possible because the area remains sore for some time. For most women, a minimum of six weeks is needed before sex can resume.

It is also important to note that some residual bleeding may go on for days after delivery, making it messy to engage in sex. Even more important, sex immediately after delivery may predispose the woman to infections around the vagina and the uterus. There is definitely good reason to allow healing to happen before resuming sex after delivery.

“Doctor, also remember that caring for the baby is tiring, it is one hell of a life for me yet John does not give a damn. Sometimes I am awake for hours in the night when he is soundly asleep,” Jane interjected.

I agreed with Jane. Baby care, especially in the early days of delivery can be demanding. Babies have this strange habit of sleeping during the day then staying awake at night and demanding that you carry and play with them. Many men may not realise how draining this can be to the woman.

“And you know sometimes the breasts are congested and really painful and they also keep me awake,” Jane interjected. She had realised that she was winning the case and was excited to give more evidence to support her position. John remained quiet and distant.

“But of course we do have our obligations to each other as couples,” I explained.

Despite the difficulties that come with delivery, couples should still strive to support the needs of each other. It is expected that men will help with baby care. It is also expected that they will support with household chores as the woman heals. It is for this reason that paternity leave exists.

The woman should also strive to offer emotional support to the man. Men, just like women, go through emotional upheaval during pregnancy, delivery and baby care. As soon as the delivery wounds heal and especially at about six weeks after delivery, the couple should slowly resume some sexual activity and should escalate it slowly, being conscious of the discomfort that the woman may be feeling.

It should be noted that the woman may not feel sexual after delivery. Restarting sex may be similar to what it was when the woman was a virgin. There may be some pain initially. Things, however, do take shape in a few weeks and normalcy resumes.

The woman should realise that while she is sexually low after delivery, most men feel high at this time since they have been off sex for a while. There is therefore discordance in feelings and this brings frustrations both ways with each person blaming the other for not understanding their situation.

For the sake of the relationship, partners should make some personal sacrifices to meet each other’s needs. I believe this is what love means. We would then not have to fight over sex after delivery; we would do it as soon as medical concerns are taken care of at around six weeks post-delivery.