Let’s talk about sex

To many people, statistics are just that, statistics. The fact that four in 10 Kenyan girls have sex before the age of 19 and some as early as 12, sounds like it only happens to other people’s children.

Mercy Jebii*, a mother of two has spent the last six months accompanying her nine-year-old son for counselling sessions. She had left the boy in the care of a male relative who was living with her while he undertook his graduate studies at a university in Nairobi. In the course of their daily interactions, the male relative taught her son how to play with his private parts and pleasure himself.

Jebii found out one weekend when she walked in on her son as he was showing his friends how to play with their private parts. “I was horrified. The boys did not know why I reacted that way. I immediately told them to dress up and then I had a chat with my son. His explanation was simple: He did not know it was wrong,” says Jebii.

That experience made Jebii realise the importance of sex education. “I thought it was too early for me to teach my son about sex. I think I should have done it earlier. It is a pity his ignorance led him to experiment in the wrong things,” she says.

TABOO SUBJECT

Sex education is a subject many parents love to hate. It is a topic discussed behind closed doors by adults and not children. Most people I interviewed for this article never had a conversation about sex with their parents.

“My mother told me I would learn about reproduction in biology class. I understood the biological process behind my menses when I was 16 years, in Form Two. That was four years after I had started menstruating,” explains Julie Mwikali.*

NEED-TO-KNOW BASIS

Moses Otieno*, a father of three sons, confesses he has never had a discussion about sex with his sons aged 21, 17 and eight. He does not plan to. “I am very traditional. I told my wife we should only respond to questions from the kids and never volunteer information,” says Otieno.

He says his father never discussed sex with him and he does not see the need to have this conversation with his sons. “I started having sexual encounters when I was 13 years. I heard stories from my friends, read magazines and did a lot of experimenting. That is the best way to handle such a topic without volunteering too much information,” he says. A majority of parents are like Otieno. They handle sex education on a need-to-know basis.

However, there are parents like Mercy Kamau*, a mother of two teenage daughters, who is of a different school of thought. “My husband and I decided to teach our daughters about sex when they were six years old. The decision was informed by the fact that girls cannot afford to “experiment” because the consequences are more severe for girls than boys,” she says. Mercy bought a book and they used it as a guide to teach their daughters about sex education.

Mercy also adds that she wanted to be her daughters’ first teacher on sex. “We opted to have a face-to-face discussion based on the truth and facts. We were not going to delegate the task to their teachers, Sunday school instructors or a relative,” she says.

BREAKING IT DOWN

Because the topic is often very broad, it is better for parents to have a logical way of breaking it down. As parents, when children ask about where babies come from, we lie to them that they are bought from the supermarket or hospital.

It is important for parents to structure their conversation in such a way they are able to first understand their bodies and the right name for each part, how they were made, why girls and boy have different sexual parts and what sex is and is not.

Robie Harris, author of a popular sex education book titled It’s Not The Stork! acknowledges that young children are curious. The book was created to help parents answer questions from kids.

Parents, teachers, librarians, nurses, doctors, social workers, psychologists, scientists, health professionals, and the clergy all contribute to make the material age-appropriate, scientifically accurate and up-to-date. “I would highly recommend using a book anytime,” says Mercy.

An important aspect of sex education that is often ignored by parents is good and bad touches. “After you explain to a child that his/her reproduction organs are called “private parts”, you can then have a conversation about different types of appropriate and inappropriate touches, who is supposed to touch them and who is not supposed to touch them,” says Jebii.

There has been talk about teaching sex education in schools. Parents must accept that this is their role. Parents are the first teachers of their children and they must fulfill their obligations instead of delegating that responsibility. You may assume your child is young but we live in a world with many sources of information. Be the first person your child runs to for information and let that information be true.

*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the parents.