What can I do to stop hating men so much?

Q:I am a 24-year-old woman and I hate men with all my heart. The only men I love are my dad and brothers. Men approach me but I don’t give them a chance.

I have seen a psychologist and counsellors, but they can’t help me either; instead, they end up showing interest in me. I hate men because of two men I dated who cheated on me with my best friends after I refused to give in to their sexual demands.

It’s been six months since the last one. I know not all men are monsters. I feel so bad about the innocent men who suffer because of the two who broke my heart. How can I change my attitude?

Ruth

A: Allow me to commend you for refusing to have premarital sex. Sex is not love, and love is not sex. That said, you say that your ex-boyfriends left you for other women. This means that neither of them was meant for you.

Relationships break for a reason. If they had loved you sincerely, they would not have left you for your close friends. As for the hatred you have for men, I suggest you evaluate yourself and find out what the real cause of this is. See whether you hate men for what they did to you, or whether it is because of who you become when you get involved.

Do you lose yourself in a relationship? When you entered the second relationship, had you healed from the first break-up? Did you take this unfinished business into the second one? These are some of the questions you need to answer in order to get to the root of matter and find a solution.

Once you understand that it is not men – that it is about you – you will start to heal. While I clearly understand that it is not your fault to have some man-hate in you, please know that it is your responsibility to heal it.

One way of doing this is to accept the fact not all men are the same; the past relationships ended for a reason, and that does not mean that you will never have a good relationship. As soon as you start healing, you will see men in a different way. Wishing you success.