How dating makes for happy marriage

Three years after getting married, Anastasia Mulwa remembers the dating period with nostalgia. “We couldn’t wait to spend time together. My husband was the perfect gentleman. He would spontaneously surprise me with evening dates,” she recalls. “I felt loved and appreciated.” Today, though, the evening dates, surprise flowers and romantic texts have all disappeared. “I don’t know if he had put on a mask that fell off after saying ‘I do’, or if we just sunk into a comfort zone,” she says. Anastasia fears that the spark in her marriage is waning.

On the other hand, Andrew Mulwa, her hubby, says his marriage has moved beyond dating. “Dating is a stage and we went through it successfully. We now have a family to build and many responsibilities,” he says. However, his wife misses the reassurance that dating gave her. “The dates made me feel valued, relevant and needed. I miss that,” she says.

According to family and relationships therapist Truphena Wakaba, dating is a critical pillar that is often missing in a marriage. “This is perhaps due to resentment or neglect or ignorance,” she says.

Tony Ratonya is a married man who dismisses the idea of dating. “My wife and I have a mortgage to service, a double Master’s degree to complete and a young daughter to raise. We don’t have time to ‘katiana!’” Ironically, the lack of dating in his marriage has had little impact on its health.

“The success of our marriage is not hinged on the number of dates we go on, but by our mutual respect and love, and our desire to improve ourselves,” says his wife Jerusha Ratonya, 36. But according to Joseph Nginya, a counselling psychologist with Nairobi-based Eden Consultancy, dating in a marriage underpins its survival.

“A marriage thrives if a couple affirms, appreciates and accepts each other. These ingredients are well catered for when there is a deliberate effort to date afresh,” he says. Apparently, says Joseph, lack of dating in marriage is often one of the symptoms of underlying and, or bubbling marital problems. Says he: “Fewer, bad or zero dates are a strong sign that things are not all rosy. Even though it is common for little irritations to occur, their frequency, if not nipped in the bud, speedily turn into resentment. And no spouse would want to go on a date with a partner they resent.”

SECRET TO A HAPPY UNION

George and Caroline Bongo, who have been married for six years now, identify regular dating as one of their secrets to a happy and fulfilling marriage. “It is important to date frequently. I try to make sure that my wife feels wanted and appreciated. It helps feed our marital flame,” says George. “But it is not easy, especially since we have children and demanding careers.”

Caroline adds: “I feel like a valued wife, and that enables me to be open and to relate well with my husband without fear. We discover more common interests, are able to nurture our chemistry and our bond,” she says.

Betty Atiende and Fredrick Oyako agree. Four years after getting married, the love birds are still dating. According to Betty, 34, dating has been the fuel oiling the wheels of their marriage. “We vowed and committed ourselves to continuous dating. And over the years, we are and shall continue reaping dividends as dating prevents our marital relationship from being flat and boring. We are not sitting pretty in some comfort zone,” she says.

Incidentally, studies conducted by Ted L. Huston and published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology indicates that after two years of marriage, many couples start complaining about their relationship being stale and boring.

SEEKING EXCITEMENT

In some extreme cases, lack of dating in marriage can trigger unfaithfulness, as Jacinta attests: “After marriage, my husband stopped treating me the way he used to. He became boring and made no effort,” she says.

Consequently, Jacinta began to warm up to one of her male acquaintances who filled the gap by taking her out to lunch, cocktail parties, sending her flowers and gifts. Before she knew it, she was already sleeping with him. “I sometimes feel guilty that I cheated on my husband. He’s boring but he’s a good, faithful man,” she says. “I wish he’d make an effort to take me out.”

Nonetheless, dating in marriage is not easy. Apparently, during the dating period in a relationship, partners will put on different faces as they try to impress their dates. However, in marriage, their true colours gradually rear their head.

“I have found that dating in marriage is not the same as dating in a mere relationship. In my relationship, I had to be on my best behaviour and show only my strong, appealing side while trying to be honest at the same time. In my marriage though, I cannot put on any mask as I did when wooing my wife Judy,” says Bernard Mwangi, a counselling and addictions therapist.

According to Joseph, dating in an ordinary relationship is likely to be characterised by intense excitement, adventure, discovery and the thrill of hunting. However, says Caroline, these excited feelings begin to wane once the couple crosses over into marriage because the goal has already been achieved. “We were careful not to make room for this kind of sentiment.”

According to Bernard, the secret in keeping the dating flame alive lies in shared interests. “If you have shared interests, you will always find an activity that brings you exclusively together,” he says.