Can you mould him into your dream man?

“A man needs a reason more compelling than your unhappiness to change,” says Sandra Mbithi, a marketing co-ordinator with a Nairobi firm. She draws from experience: Owing to her upbringing, she is spiritual, religious even. When she met her ex two years ago, she was seeking to settle down. Her love interest was not particularly interested in church but like many women, she made the mistake of seeing his potential instead of the actual person she was dating.

“He had a good heart and I imagined that with a gentle nudge in the right direction, he would turn into my dream man,” she recalls. As soon as she was elevated to girlfriend status, she embarked on her “project”. She began with gentle suggestions, becoming more aggressive with time, to the extent of demanding that he accompanies her to church. And she would change him, but it would only be long enough to get her off his back. Then he would be back to his normal, unconcerned self. Meanwhile, his resentment towards her was growing. He eventually dumped her.

Her lesson? Choose wisely and love a man for who he truly is and not how you imagine he can turn out to be. She now vows that she will not pursue a relationship unless she is sure that a man shares her views on fundamental issues including religion, alcohol and money. Also, in retrospect, she observes that she could have been more flexible in her expectations.

CLOTHES DO NOT MAKE A MAN

Sandra is hardly the only woman who has overlooked certain unpleasant qualities in a man when entering a relationship with him, then turned around and made it her life mission to alter these qualities. These traits are not always unpleasant at the onset. Sometimes the very traits that endeared a woman to a man turn out to be the greatest passion killers a few months in.

Women who suffer from ‘jerk appeal’ syndrome will seek out bad boys and commit to them with the aim of helping them turn a new leaf. Other women find it easier to try to fix another person rather than looking within themselves and fixing what may be wrong with them. Whatever may be motivating you to want to change him, it appears wiser to either be ready to be okay with the hang-ups that you have or ready to leave him for them. You may also avoid this predicament altogether if you avoid moving into commitment before knowing all the important aspects of this person’s personality.

Other than the fact that it is unlikely to yield long-term results, when you are fixated with trying to change him, you will be so focused on these unpleasant qualities that you are unlikely to enjoy the good ones.

This is what Jenn, 29, learnt during her attempt to alter the fashion sense of a man she lived with. Unlike Sandra, her attempt to revamp his wardrobe was successful, perhaps because she was more aggressive, going as far as throwing out the items of clothing that she didn’t like and shopping for him.

This change, however, did not give her the desired results. What had inspired her initially was a desire to make him look good so as to elevate her own status. But even in his new clothes, he was still the same somewhat backward man she’d met whose idea of bliss was the two of them living on a farm up-country. City clothes did not give him a desire for the city life. He had chosen his clothes in line with his personality and outlook towards life, and changing his clothes did not change this. She gave up.

“Instead of wasting time, if a man isn’t right for you, do not get involved with him,” she says.

INSPIRING HIM

It might not be possible to turn him into your dream man but as Paul, a 27-year-old media professional attests, it is possible to be a life-changing, positive influence. To illustrate this Paul gives the example of his elder brother, Peter*, who used to be content with an average government job until he met and fell for an attractive, aggressive and successful young woman.

Slowly, the family has watched in awe as Peter transformed, becoming more focused and wanting more out of life. He is already furthering his studies and is set on quitting his current job to enter a more competitive job market.

Without intending to, this woman’s personal success and attributes have prompted her boyfriend to work at becoming a man who she will probably love better. Without obsessing over it, you can encourage your love interest to make healthy choices by making them yourself and letting him see them work for you.