Rejection is brutal
What you need to know:
- As I explained to Jane, whatever the excuse, sexual rejection can be damaging. Turning down sexual advances by a sex partner seriously damages their self-esteem.
- You begin to wonder whether you are no longer attractive to the person you love. Perhaps you are not important to the person anymore.
- You get hurt and bitterness brews as your advances are rejected repeatedly. You begin to act harshly towards the person you once loved, feel betrayed, and look for ways to hurt them in return.
Jane came to the clinic with what she called evidence of denial of her conjugal rights. “I have been tracking the number of times I have asked my husband for sex and the number of times he refused,” she explained. “It has been three months of tracking; I asked for sex 30 times and I was rejected 28 times!”
I wondered why Jane would go the extent of keeping a record of such intimate events. Her explanation was that she needed evidence that things were not working in her marriage. She would then present the evidence to her family, pastor, sexologist or sex therapist to help because previous attempts to discuss this with her husband were not well received.
LAME EXCUSES
She also felt that his reasons for refusing sex were lame. “All of a sudden his job is now stressful,” she complained. “Unfortunately for him, I can tell when he is being economical with the truth.”
Another reason for rejection was lack of interest. “He just says he is not in the mood, that he is not psychologically ready to have sex,” Jane explained. But Jane believed that even if one is not in the mood, they should make sacrifices for the sake of someone they love.
“Is it possible that this man could be having an affair?” she asked rhetorically.
Sometimes her husband would claim he was too busy watching his favourite TV programme. “He keeps off the bedroom till I fall asleep then comes and sleeps quietly” she explained, “I feel this TV is just a scapegoat.”
But as I explained to Jane, whatever the excuse, sexual rejection can be damaging. Turning down sexual advances by a sex partner seriously damages their self-esteem. You begin to wonder whether you are no longer attractive to the person you love. Perhaps you are not important to the person anymore. You get hurt and bitterness brews as your advances are rejected repeatedly. You begin to act harshly towards the person you once loved, feel betrayed, and look for ways to hurt them in return.
“I now understand why people kill others or even themselves,” Jane said. “Making a sexual advance towards your spouse puts you in a position of vulnerability, and if he rejects it, the hurt is so overwhelming.”
I asked Jane if she had ever let her spouse know how hurtful his behaviour is. This conversation is hard, but is the first step in attempting to resolve the issue.
The point should be neutrally put, not phrased in an accusing manner. Say something like: “You know I really get hurt every time I make sexual advances as a way of expressing my love for you and things do not work out.” Open up a discussion about how you can both be receptive and caring of each other’s needs. Ask him what you can do to get him interested.
DELICATE CONVERSATION
During this delicate conversation, listen to what your partner has to say. Remember that sexual satisfaction between couples is a 50/50 contribution. Sometimes your spouse keeps off sex because of difficulties that you could be part of.
You will need to work together to correct the problem. Avoid the temptation to point an accusing finger; aim to support your spouse through his difficulties. Hopefully he reciprocates.
Of course, if this conversation falls apart, it is prudent to seek help. Sometimes loss of sexual interest results from a disease in the body and sometimes it is due to relationship problems. An expert may need to help with treatment or relationship counselling.
Jane’s husband was called in. After a thorough sexological assessment, it turned out that the couple had deep-seated relationship problems. They were referred for relationship counselling.
Six months later I got a call from Jane: “We have decided to call it quits. Our differences were too big to be resolved,” she said. This was truly sad, but of course, people make their choices. It was, however, a reminder that whenever sex rejection happens, it should never be taken lightly.