HEART ADVICE: Should I choose my friend or my boyfriend?

Q: About a year and a half ago I met my man on Facebook after I started liking his humorous posts and he sent me a friend request. We started chatting thereafter. Things went well, we met up for dates, and about a year ago, we officially became a couple. Things have been really great and we are even talking about settling down. The problem is that one of my closest friends recently confessed that she used to date him about three years ago, and now she is upset because she sees us sharing pictures of each other. She claims he is using me to hurt her, and that if I was a good friend I would never have agreed to date him in the first place. My friend is always secretive about her relationships, and I didn’t know she was dating my man at all. I have asked him about it and he’s said they weren’t dating, they were just ‘hooking up’, and he didn’t think she took it seriously enough to be upset about us. She has demanded that I break up my relationship or risk losing her. Am I justified in shutting her out or should I honour our friendship?

EXPERT ADVICE
In my opinion, whatever was between them is in the past. I sense that your friend is a bit jealous of your union. That said, it is important to not burn bridges however in your case, if she is your true friend she should not put you in a situation where you have to choose between her and him. If anything, she should be asking you to be careful as you progress in your relationship and wish you well. Just because it failed for her it does not mean you will share the same fate. Concentrate on nurturing your relationship. If she is truly your friend she will support your decision without ultimatums.

READERS ADVICE:
The past is gone, and your boyfriend has confessed to you that they weren’t dating. Your friend is jealous and insecure. What matters is that he loves you, respects you and takes care of you.

James Njoki, via email.

First, you do not have to feel guilty; you are innocent. As you said, your friend is secretive. She was not committed to this relationship. You did exactly what any other person would do when building up a relationship, by showing commitment, compassion and being conscientious. Go ahead and settle down. Best wishes.

Harriet Wanjira, professional counselor.

Give yourself some break. Shut the two of them out. Take a step back and evaluate who between the two is an asset. Who is adding value to your life? The lady may be jealous but it is also possible that man is a player. Just take a break to think about it; who do you need of the two?

Duncan Royal Class, via Facebook

NEXT WEEK’S DILEMMA
Help! I’m feeling really stuck in my marriage and I would like some perspectives. I have been married five years. I am very ambitious. I have an MBA and I am planning on rising up the ranks at work to become the MD in the next five years. My husband and I do not have any children yet, because I only want children when we have a mortgage and can afford to take them to the best schools. My husband does not share my ambitions though. He is self-employed and doesn’t really make an effort to grow his business. He’s been on the same level I met him at five years ago. When I bring it up he says I have enough ambition for the two of us, he’s happy to support me. But I don’t want his support, I want his participation! I am fed up. I am thinking of leaving him for someone as driven as me.

Am I making the right choice?