HEART ADVICE: Why don’t I like men?

I am 26 years old and I don’t like relationships. I have no problem getting to know someone as a friend, but once he tells me his intentions, I don’t want anything to do with him. PHOTO| FILE |NATION MEDIA GROUP

What you need to know:

  • I can’t imagine myself having sex with a boyfriend. These days I don’t waste anyone’s time; I tell them upfront that I will be bored within a short period of time.
  • You don’t have to be in a relationship for your life to work out. If you are happy with where and who you are, relax and enjoy your life.
  • You need to consider that maybe it is your orientation that you’ve got wrong.
  • Based on the information you have shared I can only speculate that you may be asexual and don’t know it.

Q: I am 26 years old and I don’t like relationships. I have no problem getting to know someone as a friend, but once he tells me his intentions, or that he is in love with me, then I get very scared and I don’t want anything to do with him. If I do give him a chance, then after a short period, like two weeks, I am done with it. I start giving excuses whenever he wants to meet. I get especially disgusted when the subject of sex comes up. I can’t imagine myself having sex with a boyfriend. These days I don’t waste anyone’s time; I tell them upfront that I will be bored within a short period of time. Do I have a problem?

READERS’ ADVICE

You are a young person who has not been in a romantic or sexual relationship at this point your life and it concerns you. If you want your relationship to be successful give him a chance, commit yourself and invest in your relationship.

James Njoki, via email.

I think it would be beneficial for you to seek counselling and therapy. It seems you are either traumatized by a relationship you have been in or witnessed – like your parents – or maybe you are not attracted to men. Either way, a counsellor can help you get to the bottom of it.

J. Wekesa, via email.

Is it relationships with men that you don’t like, or is it relationships in general? Do you find yourself attracted to women, for example? If yes, then you need to consider that maybe it is your orientation that you’ve got wrong. If no, then maybe you are asexual – or severely traumatized by men. Either way, explore it and find out.

Melanie Odhiambo, via email.

Don’t worry about it – we are many! You don’t have to be in a relationship for your life to work out. If you are happy with where and who you are, relax and enjoy your life. Maybe one day the right man will come and open your heart to love but until then, don’t overthink it. Just accept yourself as you are. Life goes one.

Juma Baruku, via email.

EXPERT ADVICE

Maurice Matheka, a relationship counsellor answers:

Based on the information you have shared I can only speculate that you may be asexual and don’t know it, or your current perception of relationships stems from a past bad experience. If indeed you had a negative experience you may have psychologically given up on the concept of loving someone hence your somewhat hostile outlook towards male advances. I would recommend that you establish the core reasons for your fear of relationships and why you quickly get bored.

NEXT WEEK’S DILEMMA

About a year and a half ago I met my man on Facebook after I started liking his humorous posts and he sent me a friend request. We started chatting thereafter. Things went well, we met up for dates, and about a year ago, we officially became a couple. Things have been really great and we are even talking about settling down. The problem is that one of my closest friends recently confessed that she used to date him about three years ago, and now she is upset because she sees us sharing pictures of each other. She claims he is using me to hurt her, and that if I was a good friend I would never have agreed to date him in the first place. My friend is always secretive about her relationships, and I didn’t know she was dating my man at all. I have asked him about it and he’s said they weren’t dating, they were just ‘hooking up’, and he didn’t think she took it seriously enough to be upset about us.

She has demanded that I break up my relationship or risk losing her. Am I justified in shutting her out or should I honour our friendship?