BABYLOVE: Handling your teen’s first love affair

Your teen comes to you with two questions: She has this thing on Saturday afternoon with a friend of hers. She’s vague on the term ‘thing’ and ‘friend’, you notice, but you don’t push it. She needs your permission to go. You say OK, but who is this friend? She says he’s from her school. Before you can probe, she says she will need you to drop her at the rendezvous, and some money for that day, too. You say OK. No sweat.

There are two types of parents as far as teen dating goes: there are the proactive ones, the smart ones who have been preparing their teen (and themselves) for such a time as this. It was inevitable, and they know they would be more jittery about it than their teen would be. So they started teaching them about dating, sex and relationships way before these kids hit the teenage years. They spoke about it.

BE PREPARED

And they spoke some more. It didn’t matter that it fell on unresponsive ears or that their kids thought it awkward to hear you speak about such things, you knew better than to let the world teach them what you ideally should.

A star to you. You are the parent who responds with confident calm when your teen finally says she’s going on a date.Then there are the reactive ones, the ones who were too shy to bring the topic up when their kid was fairly mouldable.

Why would I burden my child with such adult talk, they asked themselves, I’ll deal with it when the time to comes. So they buried their head in the sand. Well guess what, soldier?

That day is here and neither of you are prepared for it. Now is not the time to Google things like ‘teen sex’, or ‘help, my teen is dating!’ Neither is it the time to squeeze years’ worth of prep talk into the ten-minute drive to her date. As a parent, you have let your teen (and yourself) down.

Saturday Magazine spoke to three parents about how they handle their teens dating. Mary, a 37-year old married mother of two: a boy, 14, and a girl, 12. When asked whether she has given them the go-ahead to start dating and she says, “Hell no! Not under my roof. They know that those are things which should only be done in marriage.”

Mary has had “the talk” with her kids, though and she continues to speak to them about it when the situation calls for it.

“I even gave my daughter a purity ring,” she shares.

Beatrice, a single mother of one 17-year-old daughter says that since she is best buddies with her daughter, there is no taboo topic between them; dating and sex were discussed as casually as what to fix for dinner.

“She is mature. I am confident that she will do the right thing when she starts dating seriously,” Beatrice says.

However, Beatrice waits for her daughter to come to her when she (her daughter) wants to clear her head; she doesn’t bulldoze her way into her daughter’s private space. This cautionary trust is crucial.

Roselyn, another single mother of two kids: a 16-year-old boy and a 19-year-old girl, says that both her children have already started dating, though her son has now given it a wide berth, saying that “it is hard work.”

Roselyn believes teens get the best advice on dating and relationships from other authorities besides their parents.

“All I gave my kids was the basic information. But they got more from their pre-teen sessions in church.”

Roselyn says that the early exposure laid the foundation for a healthy and candid relationship with her daughter about dating and relationships, but her son prefers to confide in a male figure.

What you must understand about teen dating is that it shifts the focus from your teen as a young social bird ready to see the world, to you as a parent. Your parenting comes to play.

You should have readied them. Questions you must ask yourself are such as these: Have I instilled a strong value system in my teen? Will they be able to recognise and steer clear of peer pressure?

Will they make their own independent and wise decisions when they are out there in the (dating) world, away from my watchful eye? Will they value their sexuality? Be smart and prepare your child for this eventuality; it’s never too early for these questions.

WHEN TO INTERVENE

Regardless of the type of parent you are, there are situations which call for you to take charge of your teen’s dating life. Intervene if your teen:

1. Is dating someone of the same sex.

2. Is dating someone much older than she is, or someone who is in a position of his authority like a school teacher, a games master, or even a house help or guard.

3. Is dating to get involved in any form of substance abuse, drugs or alcohol.

4. Starts to show a decline in his performance, either in school, in sports or in a committed hobby.

5. Is uncharacteristically rude, secretive or rebellious; he breaks curfew, lies to you, or doesn’t spend the night at home.

6.  Is showing signs of emotional or physical abuse.