How to be a good man

This week, we hand this column over to a 50-year-old achiever to tell us what men aspiring to be like him must know...

As men, we all have a common destiny.

And as we stumble along in this path we constantly need the helping hand of men who have walked before us and dealt with all the perils that the journey offered.

It’s because of this that, in the spirit of Kenya turning 50, I sat down with a 50-year-old man and sought his wisdom on what he has learnt in life.

The man is Evans Monari, litigation partner at Daly & Figgis Advocates, which is the oldest law firm in East Africa.

I didn’t seek him out because he’s the perfect man. I sought him because he’s a successful and respected lawyer, a father, a husband and a man who has endured life.

Here are his words:

Some ironies of life. As you age you will be able to afford fancy cars you can’t drive.

At 50, I’m not a good driver. I can’t drive over 75kms/hr. My reflexes are not as quick as they once were.

I might own a fancy car but there isn’t any pleasure in driving it because I have so much in my head, so many responsibilities that causing an accident is not something I’m keen to add to that list.

People don’t hire firms, they hire personalities. So build your character because you will need it when you aren’t under the umbrella of a firm.

Be courteous to people. They will always want to associate with you at a later date.

If opportunity does not knock you might as well build a door.

TACKLING PROBLEMS

I’ve made a modest sum of money over time. I have also spent and lost lots of it.

I have a lot of regrets about money. I am the author of my life but unfortunately, I am writing in ink and so cannot erase my mistakes.

Before, I would charge legal fees depending on what financial problems I had at that time.

Now I put reputation before money. Make your money work for you, don’t work for money.

And don’t let your money sit around in a savings account; give it to an expert whose job is to make it work for you better.

I don’t know anyone who has never had problems in marriage. Problems in marriage occur because you haven’t gotten a rhythm with your partner. It takes time.

Friends have no role in your marriage, so don’t discuss your issues with them. They can’t help you.

Discuss them with the person you share a pillow with. And for crying out loud, don’t blame your problems on others; if you get home late don’t say, “I’m late because I was out with John.”

It shows a latent weakness. You are late because you decided to be late. Take responsibility.

MONOGAMY UNUSUAL?

Monogamy in marriage is unnatural given the demographics we have in the world.

Women outnumber us. It’s natural that as men grow older we attract younger girls.

Younger women are attracted to more stable, mature, married men. That’s natural.

We don’t have to live in a lie. If you are a two-star general you should wear your stars on your jacket for all to see, not in your pocket.

It is for this reason the law is being adjusted to reflect the reality in this neck of the woods.

Cheap alcohol is dangerous. It will kill you. “I’m hangied,” is a catch phrase that a man my age doesn’t use anymore.

You will be laughed at. I’ve had my stories with alcohol. Control your alcohol intake. It’s always going to be there. It will ruin your job and relationships if abused.

Having said that, as you grow older you realise that alcohol is a form of social engineering.

At my age, the novelty around drinking alcohol has waned. Now we raise horses.

WEIGHT ISSUES

I’ve been lucky with my weight, I don’t grow fat. When I go to a gym I go to the steam room.

But I’ve always eaten healthy. I take small portions of food but eaten throughout the day. I cycle on weekends, but for leisure.

However, to live a healthy life in your 50’s you will have to do things right in your younger years. So start today.

Take care of your parents while they are alive. Your time together is limited. Also take care of your wife’s parents.

Your in-laws are likely to respect you when you think of them. I always send my parents money through my wife, that way she is involved in the family.

It brings peace in the household.

People are willing to drop you if they sense you are failing. And they will drop you so fast when you fail.

But when you show success they will flock around you, wanting something from you. Those people will destroy you.

Surround yourself with people who want something from you and people who you can get something from.

SOUND ADVICE

My 27 years-worth of experience as a lawyer boils down to one word of advice: Don’t be afraid to knock on doors. Do not forget the virtues of hard work.

It’s about knocking on doors at the right time. It’s also about luck and teamwork.

Accept your weaknesses and work with people who can help you achieve.

Often in life we remember things we should have long forgotten and forget what we should remember.

The biggest mistake I made as a father is not spending enough time with my kids.

They will grow fast and you will never recover that journey. Fatherhood is about drawing the line, offering direction, loving.

Always remember that you aren’t responsible for how your children turn out; your responsibility is to offer them opportunity to be anybody they want to be.

Best advice for those over 40? See you doctor regularly, they might discover something before it’s too late.