RELATIONSHIPS 101: How to boost your staying power

Years into a long-term relationship, you might find that it is no longer the toe-curling experience you signed up for. Long-term requires daily self-motivation to invest in your relationship, to be faithful, loyal, and committed to keeping it thriving and exciting. It is about keeping the flame fiery even though you would rather hit him with a pan on his head repeatedly or quit. This kind of commitment is scary. It is fraught with so many what-ifs and uncertainties and the fear that things will get dull and monotonous at some point.

For Agnes* who is in her sixth year of marriage, the boredom is real. You see, she never believed in long-term commitment to begin with.

“The thought of having to pick up after my husband, reporting my movements, and so on, for life, was not appealing. So even when I met my husband, I did not have long-term in mind. But I married him anyway. Now I feel tied down. I am irritable and I find myself nitpicking, just taking out my frustrations on him. I believe if we kept it short and sweet, we would have been better off. This commitment stuff does nothing to keep the excitement going. The initial excitement has waned. I know, I should be focusing on the good man he is, but I am concerned about persevering in this marriage until death do us part. I am constantly restless. It is the elephant in the room, but we are too cowardly to confront it. What if our marriage isn’t salvageable?”

For women like Agnes, who like a sense of excitement and novelty in their relationship, the chances of straying or even leaving due to monotony and boredom are high.

“Such women have difficulties staying content in one relationship forever. They fear it might get monotonous. One long-term commitment might make them feel constrained. They only succeed if their partner supports them in enjoying high-risk activities outside the relationship,” says Nairobi-based psychologist, Chris Hart.

For Wambui Kariuki, who has been a wife for eight years, the realisation that it is up to each partner to keep the marriage fresh, year in, year, out forever, is what has kept her marriage exciting.

 “Our similarities attracted us to each other based on the qualities we saw on the surface. However, to keep things fresh in a long-term relationship, the walls have to come down, so you discover other aspects of the person, making him more interesting. Get more comfortable with each other, so that you are not afraid to experiment, explore or speak your mind; this makes for some interesting conversations and adventures, thus killing any thoughts of boredom. To keep things fresh, you should also explore new areas of interest such as new business ideas, travel destinations, hobbies and so forth,” says Wambui.

She adds: Problems arise when you become complacent and do not make an effort whether it is to try a new hairstyle, cook something new or just trying to make the other person feel special.”

NEED FOR NOVELTY

Dr Hart agrees. He says, ­“Novelty is essential. New interests to discuss, new activities, even small things like new restaurants, films and books. A deep interest in each other. Above all, a mutually satisfying sex life with as much originality and experimentation as the couple can stand.”

Apart from not making the effort to keep things exciting, lack of communication and attention to each other’s needs doesn’t augur well for long-term commitment.

 “The main danger is taking the relationship for granted. Being so wrapped up in your work, for example, or your children, that you are simply not paying your partner enough attention. It is essential to sustain high levels of intimacy if a relationship is to succeed in the long run – and that takes time,” says Dr Hart.