How to foster intimacy in your relationship

Intimacy doesn’t just happen, you have to work at it to move your relationship from comfortable superficiality to something deeper. Here are some tips to make it happen: 

Take your time

Do not rush or expect your intimacy to soar overnight. According to family coach Susan Gacheru, building and maintaining intimacy takes time. “Don’t wait on your mate to make the first move or persist with complaints.

Know your needs

Understanding your partner’s emotional, physical and intellectual intimacy needs will set you on the path to a healthier, intimate relationship.

To begin with, your needs and your partner’s needs are miles apart. To bridge this gap, know your partner’s most essential needs. For example, the desire for physical intimacy is a major influence on how men treat and view relationships.

In the same vein, affirmation, attraction and admiration are key needs in men. Nonetheless, take care to express your needs to your man as well.

For instance, says Ms Gacheru, a woman’s needs are likely to entail friendship, security, trust and love.

“Understand and communicate what needs you want to be met in return. These will include non-verbal and verbal intimate needs,” she says.

Understand your love language           

Know what language of love you and your partner understand best. For instance, do you prefer to hear words of affirmation more, spend quality time together or engage in physical touch?

“You may want to note that your man will be more receptive and intimate if he feels respected. Respect is the language a man in a solid relationship will understand best.”

Don’t always turn your intimacy into sex

Having intimacy that doesn’t necessarily result into sex will help you create a connection and emotional bond. Bear in mind that your intimate moments must not always be a trigger for a sexual encounter. This will stem any lingering doubts on whether you only act intimate in order to get sex.

“Always remember the need to search and discover new ways to share intimacy without sex,” says Ms Gacheru. Similarly, be aware of the distinction between sex and intimacy in relationships.

According to Ms Gacheru, having sex with your partner is not the same thing as being intimate with him. “The two are not synonymous and it’s easy to mistake one for the other.

The emotional connection you will seek to achieve through intimacy differs from the sexual gratification you may attain,” she observes.

Long distance relationships

If you’re in a long-distance relationship, the secret to staying intimate is in how you keep your communication channels open.

“The secret lies in updating each other, doing similar things besides the usual phone calls like reading the same book or watching the same movie, and being trustworthy,” says Dr Chris Hart, a psychologist based in Nairobi. He notes that setting a special ringtone just for your partner, and saving things like plane tickets and pictures taken on trips will do well to boost your intimacy in the face of distance.