MANTALK: How to get me in trouble with my wife

A friend of mine saw on social media that I was in London, so she WhatsApp-messaged me and said, “Biko, can you do me a massive favour?” I just knew she was going to ask me to “pick me up” some specific brand of lipstick or foundation like MAC or Lancôme or Maybelline. I have always assumed that a lipstick is a lipstick – that it’s just a colour. Why someone would ask for a specific one from across seas, mountains and rivers baffles me. Anyway, I was braced for that kind of conversation, it’s one of those conversations you wish you didn’t have because buying such things are just so complicated because unless you are sent a screenshot, you will end up buying a lip balm instead of a lipstick, which isn’t so bad because at least you got the ‘lip’ part right, it’s only the ‘stick’ and ‘balm’ part that you are struggling with, but that is work in progress.

“Could you kindly get me some reproductive health stuff?” She messaged me. I stared at that message for a bit and asked, “Like what, fertility pills?” She sent a roll-eye emoji and said, “Now, why would I send you for fertility pills?” I said, “I don’t know, maybe because you only use specific ones made from vanity?”

She started typing and I waited. Then she kept typing and typing and I thought, whatever instructions she is giving me about her reproductive health, I’m going to botch it up and I will make her pregnant. OK, not me make her pregnant, literally, but like I will mess it up and she will... oh come on, you know what I mean!

NUVA...WHAT?

She said she wanted a specific product called the Nuva Ring. It sounded like an eyeliner. I said, “Sure, send me a picture so that I don’t spend the whole day roaming Central London looking for this.”

So she sent a picture and I was like, “These look like condoms!”  She said they were vaginal rings. I was aghast.

I asked, “You want me to buy you a vaginal ring? Isn’t that a bit too much for this friendship?” She said, “Come on, don’t be dramatic, it’s like buying me antibiotics!” I said, “Oh no, it’s not anything like buying you antibiotics! When you said reproductive health stuff I thought it was something safe.” She said, “Come on, it’s only vaginal rings.” I wished she would stop talking about them like that; it reminded me of onion rings.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

I thought about it for a second and asked her, “What if my woman finds these... these... rings in my bag. What will say? How will I defend myself?” She said, “They are two small packs, come on, I’m sure you can hide them!” I laughed out loud and said, “Are you serious? You can’t hide anything from a woman!”

Actually I can see this conversation going so badly. She will say, “Let me get this straight.” (When a woman starts a statement with “Let me get this straight,” she’s lying because she already got it straight but since you are so slow, she wants you to get it straight, so she will speak slowly so that you also get it straight). Anyway, she will say, “Let me get this straight, Biko. This so called friend of yours (she says ‘friend’ by scratching the air above her in quotation marks) says that you are in London and asks you to get her vaginal rings because you are the most capable person to get her her contraceptives and you don’t see this as odd? Are you the one who takes care of her reproductive health now? Will you also help her insert this ring?” (At this point you want to ask her if it’s not the gynaecologist who normally inserts them but you hush). Do you also happen to know when she is ovulating? How many days is her cycle? When is she due for her next Pap smear?”

I will just sit there, staring at the TV, not seeing a thing, my head leaning on my hand because it’s become so heavy with stupidity. Then I will mumble, “Look, I didn’t think of it that way.”

She will laugh that scornful laughter that suggests that you are very foolish.

“A woman asks you to buy her a vaginal ring and you don’t think it’s abnormal? My God, are you men all naive?!”

Then she will leave the room and go to the bedroom and you will hope that it’s over but then she will come back and ask, “Can I ask you one more question?” You will look up at her and you want to say, “Do you promise that it will only be one question?”

She will say, “Is this the same girl who you told me you bumped into in Kilifi and she was wearing a very short sundress that I gathered you liked by the number of times you mentioned it and a hat you described as ‘borderline eccentric’? Is this the same girl?” You will think hard, you will squint at the carpet and say, “Aii, I don’t remember that conversation.”

She will snort and say, “Oh yes you do. It was in 2001 when were leaving the post office where you went to pick a parcel from your brother.

You had on a white shirt and black canvas shoes and I was recovering from a root canal the previous weekend!” You will stare at her like she’s from Venus (she is) and say,” 2001? How can you remember something that happened 18 years ago! Are you an elephant?” then she will say, “Are you calling me fat?” 

I didn’t buy the Nuva Rings because sometimes the Lord shows you a glimpse of your future and it’s up to you to avert some crises. Ladies, when we travel, please don’t send your male pals for things, ok? Thanks.