How to hit on a guy … from the horse’s mouth

How does a woman hit on a guy? You are supposed to suggest an invitation and let him pursue you, right? PHOTO| FILE

What you need to know:

  • Although Bob and George say that women just need to come out with their intentions, being upfront about it might be easier said than done.

  • You are romantically interested in him but because you do not want to appear as brash, you forge a friendship with him.

How does a woman hit on a guy? You are supposed to suggest an invitation and let him pursue you, right? You are supposed to show up at the places he frequents and when you catch his eye, hold his gaze for a few moments then shyly turn away.

He will come to you, right? We have all heard that men like the chase, that coming on too strong will turn him off, make him feel less of a man, right?

Well, wrong! While these tactics may have worked with the last generation, today’s dating scene has evolved. Women need to unlearn all those things they’ve been fed over the years.

Forget those things that you have heard that men like or do not like. If you are interested in a man, walk up to him and engage him. While for a man the greatest fear is usually that a woman may turn him down, for a woman it usually is what the man will think of her.

“The truth is that men do not care too much about shifting gender roles anymore,” offers Bob Wia, a 34-year-old programme officer with an NGO.

If you walk up to him and introduce yourself, he says, he will not think of you as any less feminine. He admits, however, that he might think of such as woman as easy to bed.

He might even try to get you into his bed. Instead of letting his thoughts stall you, how about seizing the moment to prove him wrong? Walk up to him, let him try to bed you. This will show him the kind of woman that you really are.

DITCH THE CHITCHAT

When you finally get the guts to walk up to your love interest, your main goal is to be engaging. Not sexually but intellectually. George, a 29-year-old Nairobi-based banker says that there is nothing he hates more than empty conversations. Be engaging. Ditch the chitchat. Let your conversation show some personality. You can talk about the trending social issues, politics, the Champions League … anything that isn’t the weather.

“Most guys I know tend to be private, so don’t ask too many personal questions like how much I earn on a first conversation,” George advises.

The same rule applies to that woman who decides to use a text message to initiate relations with a man. Go ahead and send that text message, if he doesn’t respond, it is his loss, not yours.

He may also tell you that he is taken. Finding out that he has a girlfriend is still better than the agony of sitting around pining for him and thinking that the reason he hasn’t asked you out yet is that you are not good enough.

ONE OF THE BOYS

Although Bob and George say that women just need to come out with their intentions, being upfront about it might be easier said than done.

You are romantically interested in him but because you do not want to appear as brash, you forge a friendship with him.

You become the girl that he can hang out with on football night. All this while, you put your best foot forward and secretly hope that he will see who you really are and fall in love with you. While this works for a few, most end up helplessly watching as the man of their dreams falls in love with and settles down with another woman. The truth is that these faux platonic friendships do not work because according to 30-year-old Keith Njuki, “You can bat your eyelids all day but men are very poor at picking up cues.”

The way to get one foot in the door is to get your love interest to see you sexually. This doesn’t mean throwing yourself at him but getting him to see you different from how he would see a female friend. Once a man can see you sexually, then he can think of you romantically.

“Go for it. You can peck him goodnight instead of the usual hug. You can let your hug linger a few seconds longer,” Keith advises.

In the same vein, acting like one of the boys and sharing sex stories with the guy you’re interested in will backfire on you. Although men share sex stories with their boys all the time, sharing the same with him will not necessarily put you on the same page. And even if it does, remember that men don’t forget.

“I will laugh at stories of how you had an STD or how you cheated on your ex but with these images, it’s impossible to think of you romantically. You are friend-zoned,” says Dennis Abuga, 27.

MENTAL MAKEOVER

All in all, despite how good you are at hitting on men, there will be misses. You will hit on a guy who will not warm up to you. Women are emotional beings. We tend to overthink our every move. We take rejection personally. We start thinking that we were rejected because we were not good enough.

The only way you fail in the relationships arena is when you stop trying. If a man declines your advances, it means just that, he declined your advances, for his own reasons. Him, not every man you will meet after that. Tips on what dress length to wear, how to show off your legs for maximum effect or how much cleavage will catch his attention will not help because there will always be a more physically attractive woman for him to see. The secret is how you see yourself, not how he sees you. If you feel like the most beautiful girl in the room, you might leave with the best man.

 

How to tell he isn’t interested

 

  • When he says it, believe him. Men unlike women never say no when they mean yes.
  • If he doesn’t acknowledge your advances, don’t force it. He isn’t into you.
  • If he comfortably talks to you about other girls that he is interested in, he is not trying to make you jealous, he just isn’t into you.
  • He told you he is not sure how he feels? He is not interested.
  • The most obvious sign is perhaps his body language, he finds reasons not to be around you, sits far away from you and avoids eye contact.