SEXUAL HEALTH: How to light the fire of intimacy

Before you and your partner hit the sack, make sure you are communicating well.

PHOTO | FILE

What you need to know:

  • Communication then becomes a problem. It is common to shout at each other. You do not take time to listen and internalise what your partner is saying.
  • You do not empathise. Communication is shallow because as your partner talks, you are busy thinking of how to answer back.
  • “Everything you are saying is happening to us but I am not sure whether you have responded to my concern for lack of sex desire,” Jane interrupted, looking confused.
  • Sure, sex is all about emotional connection. Recreate the connection and the desire will be overwhelming.

After months of what Jane called mechanical sex, she told her husband she was fed up. All their sexual contact left her feeling hollow, frustrated and sad. “Look, we were no longer of the same heart and mind,” she explained when she came to the sexology clinic. “I just present myself to him as a wifely duty and he does what he wants. I feel abused.”

The couple had been married for 13 years. They had three children. James, Jane’s husband, was a teacher and Jane ran a salon business. Their marriage began with a big wedding in the village which was the talk of the hills and the valleys. It looked like a fairytale to their fellow villagers.

But that was then. It is one thing to have a great wedding and another to maintain intimacy. The couple got transferred from one town to another after their marriage as a result of James’ job. They also had children in the process. They finally landed in the city.

“It is now three years after we got to Nairobi and all I remember is the distance between us growing until I no longer understand this man,” Jane said.

Digging deep into the family’s situation, my conclusion was that the couple had lost emotional connection. In the hustle and bustle of city life, they had neglected each other and confided in their friends and workmates. They became foreigners to each other. The common symptom such couples present with is that they have no desire for sex. Others have extramarital affairs while others are throw themselves into work or alcohol to escape the reality at home.

“I do not understand this concept of emotional connection and how you have arrived at your diagnosis because if it is money, I give it my wife, I pay rent and school fees for the children; what exactly do women want from a man?” John asked throwing his hands into the air.

NOT ABOUT PROVISION

Well, it is not about provision for the family. In fact that is the mistake most people make. Simply put, you are emotionally connected if have chosen to be vulnerable to your spouse, if you reserve nothing and entrust him/her with your fears, aspirations, dreams and deepest secrets without the fear of being betrayed. You are emotionally connected if you find comfort in each other, and when you run to each other for empathy and emotional protection in times of distress in the work place, in business, in family disagreements, and so on.

Most couples start at that point of vulnerability but later confide in other people and block off their spouses. They find it easier to confide in a relative, a friend or a workmate. They stop opening up to their spouses. In fact they hide personal challenges from their spouses and start projecting a false image of perfection.

Couples on the downward slope of emotional connection will also rebuke them for opening up. They will negatively judge and stereotype their spouses as failures. They compare their spouses to other people to show them how badly they are doing. When you face such harsh reactions from your spouse your immediate reaction is anger and you may choose to keep to yourself. You stop trusting them with your emotions. You choose someone else to confide in. The emotional connection with your spouse then fades away.

As emotional connection wanes, consultation in family decisions gets less and less. You become dictators with each other. You learn to put your foot down as your spouse similarly forces their way. This only works to move you further from each other.

Communication then becomes a problem. It is common to shout at each other. You do not take time to listen and internalise what your partner is saying. You do not empathise. Communication is shallow because as your partner talks, you are busy thinking of how to answer back.

“Everything you are saying is happening to us but I am not sure whether you have responded to my concern for lack of sex desire,” Jane interrupted, looking confused. Sure, sex is all about emotional connection. Recreate the connection and the desire will be overwhelming.

The couple was enrolled for intimacy coaching. It would be three months of coaching before they would rediscover each other. It was good that they were both committed to making the relationship work, making it easy for the emotional connection to be recreated.