HEART ADVICE: I don’t trust my boyfriend anymore

Saturday November 11 2017

What do you do when your man confesses to

What do you do when your man confesses to having feelings for someone else but not acting on them? That’s what this week’s reader wants to know. PHOTO| FILE 

By MAURICE MATHEKA
More by this Author

Q: I found out that my boyfriend who I live with had been seeing another woman early this year. I contacted the woman who said it was purely friendship on her side, which I later confirmed. He told me that he had developed feelings for her but had not told her about it.

I felt so hurt but he chose to stay with me after we both confronted him.

Of late I’ve been feeling like he shouldn’t have seen another woman while living with me. He has really changed but I live in fear that it might happen again. What do I do to forgive him? 

 

READERS' REPLY

Betrayed trust in a relationship is usually very hard to rebuild. However, according to your word, he has really changed. If that’s the case, then give him a second chance fully in your heart and stop doubting. Think positively about him, and about the relationship. Avoid things like snooping on his phone to see who he talks to or chats with because you may end up misunderstanding him. Spend more time with him away from home and do the things you both like doing together so that your mind can relax. Pray about it as well. Agnes Mutuku, Ruaka. 

 

It is advisable that you leave before you’re hurt even more. This is for the simple reason that you are not yet his legit wife and therefore he can always cross the borders and have an affair with another woman without finding it quite offending as you do. Additionally, it is easier and less consequential to end a boy-girl relationship on the basis of avoiding a partner who by all means is likely to cheat on you in the long run, than to wait and enter into a marriage where you’ll have zero chances of changing him. All the best at it.  Martin Gachenge

 

You say he has changed. That’s good, because it means he is making an effort to be a better man for you. People trip and fall in relationships – if you do go ahead and get married, trust me, at some point even you will feel emotionally attracted to another person. The question is, what will you do with those feelings? Be glad that he was honest enough to tell you the truth. Be glad he did not act on his feelings. That’s called commitment. Now sit down and with him and tell him, just as honestly, that you are having problems getting past this, and let him hear you.

MAURICE REPLIES

If indeed you have both moved on then you need to forgive him and move forward otherwise your insecurity that causes you to doubt your future together will destroy your relationship. He made an error in judgement and I believe he deserves a second chance and as you have stated, he has changed, which you should be content with. The worst thing you can do is become his constant reminder of his past faults. I recommend you concentrate on nurturing your bond and learn to see the positive in each other if you aim to survive your relationship.

***

NEXT WEEK’S DILEMMA: I have been dating my man for the past year and everything is going really well. The only problem is that lately, he has developed really foul breath. I hate it because it makes intimacy hard for me with him – but I don’t know how to tell him without hurting his feelings. It’s been two months since we last had sex because every time he comes near me I feel like throwing up, and then I feel really guilty afterwards because when he asks why I don’t want him I don’t know how to answer without damaging him. Please help me – he is a good, good man and I love him to bits. I don’t want to break up with him but the way it’s going, that’s where we’ll end up. How do I lovingly tell him he needs to work on his breath?