Is your past blocking your present?

Do you have a master-slave type of relationship? Are you frustrated by the demands and expectations of your spouse? You are not alone. A number of husbands and wives are aggressively seeking to be served, nurtured, showered with gifts and treated like masters… with no reciprocity. Love does not thrive in such circumstances, and it is only a matter of time before hell breaks loose in the marriage.

This is what I was thinking as I interrogated Jane, a middle-aged teacher who came to the sexology clinic to ask for medicine to revive sexual desire. She had heard of the new female Viagra, and she wanted some. On talking to her however, it became clear that the problem was more complicated than anything a pill could solve.

“I don’t know how best to describe my situation,” she explained. “My husband wants to be the master in the relationship. He reduces me to a helpless slave.”

She had been married to her lawyer husband for three years, and they had one child. But there was no love or intimacy in their marriage. The relationship had been reduced to demands for service by John and frustration on Jane’s part. They were in constant conflict.

“Under the circumstances, our sex lives have gone to the dogs,” she explained. “We are both cold towards each other. I have no feelings for him.” Instead of dispensing the pill, I asked Jane to bring her husband to the clinic for counselling. A pill cannot treat conflict and misunderstanding in relationships.

CHILDHOOD DESIRES

Most women lose sex desire when the relationship is strained. Men, on the other hand, lose erections. Using Viagra, be it the male or female one, does not solve the problem. The root cause of the problem must be dealt with.

Like all learned friends, John was smartly dressed, his sky blue suit, soft white shirt and red tie coming together impeccably. He wore a sense of authority around him and his bossy style was obvious.

“I still do not understand what the issue is with Jane,” he frowned, pacing back and forth in the consultation room, making it appear like he was presenting in a court room. “In your learned opinion is it a criminal offence or a violation of the Constitution for a husband to ask for his rights? Is it not regrettable that Jane is reneging on duties to which she solemnly swore at the altar of the Most High God?” He paused and looked at me straight in the eye, expecting me to agree with him.

I, in turn, asked him to take a seat. I went through the couple’s relationship, intimacy and sex history. I then explored their family and social circumstances. Then I reviewed their experiences growing up. There were many leads to a possible diagnosis. We planned to have a number of other sessions to better understand the issues.

After four sessions the diagnosis became clear. John grew up in a family where the mother had a strong personality and he always felt that his father was oppressed. Subconsciously, he had hoped to find a wife whom he could subdue, a natural way of expressing childhood desires and disappointments from learned family experiences. Jane was unfortunate to be the victim. Without planning to oppress her, John replayed the relationship of his parents in his marriage, exhibiting revenge for the oppression that his father endured.

The couple’s case is a typical example of how people get influenced while growing up, developing subconscious behaviours that mirror the desire they had in childhood arising from likes and dislikes of their parents’ relationship. If you look back at your childhood and reflect on the people who influenced you most as a child, you will identify what you liked and what you hated at that time in the way they managed their relationships. These experiences remain the greatest influencers in the way you end up treating the people you love in adult life.

“So in this case what am I supposed to do?” John asked looking disturbed. Well, you start by understanding the circumstances under which you grew up. Sometimes it helps to work with a professional to analyse your life so as to understand the influencers of your behaviour. Once you have understanding, it is possible to consciously take control and have balanced behaviour.

Further, discussing your influencers with your spouse helps. You can support each other to overcome negative reactions arising from those early life experiences. You however need to trust and have confidence in each other so that the personal problems are not used against you in the event that the relationship suffers conflict.

Six months down the line, John greatly improved in his outlook to family life and behaviour. Intimacy grew progressively and, yes, Jane no longer needed the female Viagra to perform her conjugal duties.