Just for fun

The couple walked into the consultation room and after the formalities of introduction, went quiet. There was palpable tension between them.

“Yes, whatever it is just tell me. I am here to help find a solution,” I started off to break the ice.

“We have no problem,” said the woman.

“Doctor, the truth is that we want an abortion,” interjected the man, “she has missed her periods and we don’t want a baby.”

The woman broke down and cried uncontrollably and I instinctively asked the man to step out of the room for a while and allow me talk to the woman.

The couple had known each other for six months during which they had sex several times. She was deeply in love and for that reason opened the most intimate part of her life to the man.

“No one goes to the extent of having sex unless they are in love and have a long-term commitment,” she told me.

MISUNDERSTANDING

She was happy when she conceived because she saw it as an expected outcome of their intimacy. She fantasised about her pregnancy and imagined how they would be a complete family with the arrival of the baby. She had talked to her parents about the relationship and had on several occasions requested the man to make a formal visit to her parents.

“You don’t just walk to your in-laws without proper planning; I need time to plan,” the man would say.

But the shock of her life was yet to come. The first time she mentioned the pregnancy he went quiet. His moods changed. Then he requested for time to think about it. Two days later he said he had decided that she should have an abortion; that he was not ready to marry or have children.

“He said that we were just having a good time and that for him that did not mean being in love and getting tied up in long-term commitment,” the woman explained, “in fact he said that I am not his type of woman when it comes to marriage.”

The experience of this couple is common in today’s world. Although a number of religions and cultures would like to tie sex to love and marriage, many men and women are having sex just for the fun of it with no strings attached. Well, I know you may be saying to yourself that this is unacceptable but sex is happening even between strangers who may never meet again.

DISAPPOINTMENT

One man recently put it to me this way: there is sex to meet bodily desires and sex to fortify love and social obligations. He said people are all very hypocritical about these truths  because we want to appear moral; we lie to each other that we are in love when what we are looking for is sex.

The problem with this world view of sex is that it leads to serious disappointments to the people who tie sex to love.

Two pieces of advice: tell each other the truth of your intentions. Let someone know that you are attracted to them sexually. Tell them that you are not thinking of marriage, that your intention is just sex. Who knows, maybe they are equally interested in such an adventure. It is a matter of matching your values to those with whom you associate. Do not lie that you are in love; it is heartbreaking when people later learn that they were taken for a ride.

Secondly, sex has consequences. Pregnancy is one. There is also HIV and other infections. Pleasurable as it may be, it can be catastrophic. If you have to do it casually and your partner is aware of your intentions, use a condom.

“So can we have the abortion now that we did not think of all this in advance?” asked the man after our long conversation.

“What? Over my dead body!” screamed the woman.

And that was the point of departure. The man stood up and left the consultation room, telling the woman never to call him.

After a long bout of crying, the woman too left, resolving to remain strong and to deliver the baby as a reminder of how irresponsible and cunning men can be. For me it was a life lesson: that sex is not equal to love.