Kenyan online dating scene by the numbers

Date-Me-Kenya isn’t a new site; it’s been around for four years. About 1,000 single people sign up to it every month. There are now 43,000 members. Its CEO, 31-year-old Ian Isherwood, personally sifts through the new profiles in order to flag and toss out offensive and fake/scam profiles, and is in a great position to offer insights on how single Kenyans are navigating the dating scene and its tech-driven avenue, online dating.

Isherwood started Date-Me-Kenya following a conversation he had with a fellow Kenyan friend who remarked how difficult it was to meet someone to date in Kenya. Always keen to start what he calls ‘unusual businesses’ (Isherwood has, among other things, sold women’s underwear in the UK and tried his hand at goat rearing and mango farming back home in Kenya) he launched straight into researching the idea and discovered it was worth pursuing.

43,000 members shows that online dating is catching on in Kenya, but Isherwood admits that we still have a long way to go. “It’s a US$2 billion dollar industry in America. One out of every three new relationships start online,” he says, “but it took them anywhere from 10 to 15 years to catch on – and even now, it is still not a mainstream way of meeting.”

Even where there is success – for example couples who have met on the site, dated and gotten married – they are wary of the manner in which they met being exposed. “I hope that in the long-run, our country will adopt as it has done with every other aspect of technology,” he says.

How’s it looking?

The 2014 Kenya Demographics & Health Survey indicated that 60 per cent of women (compared to 51 per cent of men) between the ages of 15 and 49 are in some sort of romantic union. The majority of them are married while the rest (5 per cent of women and 2 per cent of men) are in ‘come we stay’ arrangements. Overall, only 25 per cent of women (compared to 44 per cent of men) have never been married. A whopping 73 per cent of women between the ages of 30 and 34 are married.

COLD MACHO MEN

The number of women getting married between the ages of 19 and 24 is a steep rise – from 11 to 48 per cent respectively. Isherwood notes that most young female users of his site women indicate they are looking for a ‘serious’ relationship. Similarly, although there are many men who are signed up, the women are more active. This finding could also add merit to the argument that women are keener to meet mates earlier on in life in comparison to men who don’t feel the same pressure (to rush against a clock).

Date-Me-Kenya hosts speed-dating events in Nairobi, and there have been a lot more women willing to participate than men. Isherwood now asks the ladies who had sign up to bring along a single male friend to even out the numbers, “Some of the women said they were not willing to talk about it (to their platonic male friends),” he reveals, once again unearthing the stealth with which Kenyans are conducting non-traditional dating.

It could also indicate that Kenyan men are less willing to admit that they need a little help meeting someone because of the indoctrinated idea that ‘a man doesn’t need help, shouldn’t be vulnerable’, and so forth.

40-year-old Reuben*, who lived and worked in New York City for 15 years, says that upon coming home, the thing he found most unusual about the Kenyan dating scene was that men don’t approach women in public spaces. “In New York it was normal for me to walk up to a woman at the subway, chat her up, ask if I could take her out sometime and get her number,” he says, “but when I do that in Nairobi, although women are receptive, almost all of them have later told me they were initially stunned by my forwardness.”

Nine out of 13 professional women between the ages of 25 and 45 I randomly questioned said they would appreciate (even be attracted to) that kind of forwardness. “I feel like Kenyan men aren’t willing to take the risk to be that vulnerable,” says 33-year-old Lynette*, one of the respondents.  

Isherwood confirms that he has sat back and watched men and women in bars, and wondered why they are not so keen to mingle. “It could be that the men don’t want to be rejected; Kenyan women can be a bit hard to get especially when they are among their other female friends.”

DOES AGE MATTER

“It has become too easy!” exclaims a male colleague while we are in the midst of discussing popular dating app Tinder. “Most dudes just don’t feel the need to work harder for it.”

Picking up on this point, Isherwood, who would rather Tinder wasn’t considered one of his competitors, puts it this way: “Think of it as similar to having the choice to go to a classy bar and to another one that’s not. You know what you expect to find in each. Be honest with yourself about what you are really looking for and then go where you are more likely to find it.”

When it comes to age, women are more likely to want to date older men. They will specifically say they ‘don’t want anyone younger than me’. “Most of the women will say this preference has nothing to do with money,” Isherwood says, “that it is more about maturity – the idea that older men know what they want and are ready to settle down”. Men on the other hand will indicate being okay with a five-year (give or take) age difference. The woman could be younger or older.

It appears there’s no shortage of younger women who will come right out and tell Isherwood they are looking for older white men. “To this, I politely respond that perhaps this is not the site for them. We are not an interracial dating site. I’ve asked these women to explain to me why they prefer white men and I have heard all manner of responses from the belief that white men are more romantic to that they don’t cheat.

I’m not here to judge – if that’s what you are looking for then that’s okay. But as a business trying to not only build a premium brand, but to also to cultivate more chances for long lasting and meaningful relationships, we have to place some boundaries.” It is for this same reason that he does not approve the younger men who come right out and admit they are looking for sugar mummies.

While he gets the occasional request for a match-up from gay and lesbian singles, he confesses while he supports and respects sexual diversity, he is cautious about entangling his business in anything that is deemed as illegal.

“Even though I own a dating site, I still believe the best way to meet people is through other people”, Isherwood insists, adding that as provider, he can only set people up in the best way possible and then leave the rest up to them. “I believe in putting yourself out there. If you are single and searching, do the same thing you would do when job hunting.

That’s actually how I ended up meeting my girlfriend – she was chatting to a friend of mine at a party then he was shouting at me from across the room to come and meet her because she checked out on most of the things I said I was looking for. But he wouldn’t have known that if I hadn’t told him! Why are many Kenyans not open to telling even their close friends to set them up on dates with their other friends?”

*****

IN NUMBERS 

•  17 months – the time it took for DateMeKenya to get its first wedding

•  85-90 – percentage of members based in Nairobi

•  60 profiles per month (out of a 1000 sign-ups per month) – number of singles approved to become active members

•  Late 20s to early 30s – majority age bracket of members