Ladies, learn to make the first move

Who initiates sex in your relationship, man or woman? I did not recognise the importance of this question until I met Joy and Shadrack. This couple had been married for seven years and had two children but had reached a point of nearly divorcing when they decided to come to the sexology clinic.

“We are making a last attempt at resolving our marital crisis; my husband strongly feels that we are incompatible and should divorce because we have not had sex for the last one year,” Joy explained.

The couple had experienced a difficult year full of fights. Things were getting out of hand. Their parents got involved in solving the trivial “misunderstandings”. No on,  however, got to the root cause of the conflict because it was a very private matter: they had a sexless marriage.

And so I got interested in understanding why the couple remained sexless for a year.

“For six years I was the one who initiated sex,” Shadrack explained, “more than half of the time she would reject my advances and I really got hurt, so I decided to stop it altogether! I told her that she could initiate sex when she felt she needed it. That was the end of our sex life.”

Joy stared right ahead, avoiding eye contact with me and Shadrack. The consultation room was quiet and I could hear heavy breathing from Joy, a sign of emotional distress.

“Do you expect a woman to initiate sex? If Shadrack is man enough he should be able to seduce his wife and get her into the mood!” Joy said to on one in particular.

“Did you just say I am not man enough?” Shadrack shouted back while clenching his fists.

Joy suddenly rose from her seat and made her way to the door. I pleaded with her to come back and sit down.

THRILLING CHASE

Who should initiate sex in a relationship? The truth of the matter is that no one solution fits all couples. Men have higher testosterone, the hormone that gives us the urge for sex and makes us fantasise about sex. Men tend to have more frequent urges for sex because of their higher testosterone levels, so men tend to initiate sex more times than women.

Further, women enjoy being seduced. They get aroused when they feel the man is yearning for them. Sometimes they naturally become stubborn in bed as a way of pushing the man to be more seductive. This happens in animals as well. That is why a cock has to chase a hen before the action happens. If you watch cows and goats the scenario is not any different.

But these rules are not universal. Sometimes the man will be the initiator in a new relationship but roles revert as the relationship matures. There are also women who have been the initiators of sex all their lives. Whatever works for you is fine.

In a number of cases a woman will not initiate sex but will give cues to the man to show her interest. This can include a show of exceptional kindness and care; setting up a romantic bedroom with candles and incense, wearing sexy lingerie or sleeping naked, etc. The woman expects the man to notice these cues and make a move. However, some men just do not recognise these cues.

“Yes, Shadrack is the clueless type. He never notices my cues and also lacks seduction skills but blames me all the time!” Joy blurted out.

Well, there are cases where along the way the initiator feels rejected and gives up. This was the case with Joy and Shadrack. The relationship became sexless and they started fighting to the point of wanting to go their separate ways.

“So how do we reverse this scenario? I am still hopeful that our marriage can survive,” Shadrack said scratching his thick unkempt beards anxiously.

One thing is clear: everyone hopes that their partner will initiate sex. It is pleasing to be on the receiving end. It gives one a deep sense of being valued, wanted and loved. It is for this reason that some initiators get tired and keep off.

SEDUCTION GAMES

They yearn to be seduced too as well so as to enjoy that sense of being longed for. When their advances get rejected once in a while, which is a normal way of asking for more seduction, they feel even worse and want to give up as Shadrack did.

If you are in the vicious cycle of blaming each other for not initiating sex, it is normal. Many couples experience this. Possibly you want to be an initiator if you have never tried. If you have been an initiator, remember that rejection once in a while is normal and it should motivate you to up your seduction game.

If you have been the recipient of seduction, encourage it without making your partner feeling rejected. Most importantly, note that sex is not a military duty to be approached with a stone face and strict rules, but rather a form of mutual play and fun with no rules.

It is therefore fine to be an initiator as many times as you can; it is also okay to be rejected once in a while so that you become a better seducer; it is still perfectly fine if you are the recipient and become an initiator once in a while.

At this Joy smiled for the first time since they came to the clinic. The couple hugged, bade me bye and walked out whispering into each other’s ears. Maybe Joy was going to initiate sex! Maybe Shadrack was going to be a super seducer. Most likely the marriage was going to survive. Such is the nature of life.