Lord, save us from Valentine’s

Dear Lord,

We come before you, with our hats in our hands. We come before you to ask for your mercy and guidance at a time of great need.

We come not only as sinners, Lord, but also as men, which in itself compounds that sin. Hear our humble plea ye great One. You are the Lord of all creation and also the custodian of all knowledge and so I bet you know that this is Valentine’s weekend. We honestly didn’t see it coming.

There was December (and you know how that is, Lord) and then before we could catch our breath January zeroed in on us. (You also know how that is, Lord.)

So we honestly didn’t see this coming. We waited with such great anticipation for January to end and when it did the celebrations clouded sight of Valentine’s Day, which sneaked in on us. To say that we are prepared would be a big lie, and we all know about how you feel about lies.

PRECARIOUS SITUATION

We find ourselves in this precarious situation because we don’t learn Lord. We live in a constant state of hope. We hope that every year will be different, that our women will wake up one day and turn their backs on Valentine’s Day and anything that it stands for.

But we know that’s like trying to teach a goat to remember our passwords. Lord, instil in us the virtues of realism. Drag us out of this worthless pit of delusion.

Lord, we won’t ask for a lot today given that this day didn’t just drop on our laps. It came day by day, month by month, slowly and surely until it pounced on us. All we ask for are a few things. We ask that you lower the expectations of our women just a tad so that we surpass what we did last year.

Also, please open their minds to new ideas of what we think is romantic but which they might scoff at; like home-cooked meals. Everybody loves home cooked meals, Lord, no?

We mean cooked by us, cooked with love and served with a nice bottle of wine. Who is it that said that there is sophistication in simplicity? And isn’t a home-cooked meal on Valentine’s Day the zenith of simplicity? OK, we will even light a few candles to work up that mood. No? That won’t work? OK.

LAST MINUTE CREATIVITY

In that case, Lord, accord us last-minute creativity. Should we do a park-picnic thing? Should we leave town, but to where? Everywhere is booked. Booked by guys who have been dating for three months.

Lord, you don’t advocate for hatred but these guys! These new lovebirds really piss us off! What about the movies, is that too cheesy? Besides do they show anything but Indian movies anymore? Lord this is hard. Please intervene. Show us a sign. Burn something. Send a dove.

Lord, but whatever we decide, wherever we end up tonight, please give us the gift of restraint. Let us not say the wrong thing on that dinner table. Or later in the night. Let us swallow the rabid words, teach us how to smile and say the right things.

Also, whatever she does, let her not ask us where this is heading, because it will make us feel like heading home. It would also be nice if you influenced her to wear that short dress.

Yes, the one that she thinks make her look fat. We truly think she looks voluptuous. Oh well, semantics.

SPECIAL REQUEST

Lord, I think the guys who are still in the seduction stage have a special request. They are asking if you could, um … sway things their way tonight. How do I say this? You know, make this evening be the evening they, um, hit a homerun.

You know what I’m talking about, Lord, don’t you? Don’t make me say it out loud, this is a family paper. But, yeah, the guys are asking if you could throw them a bone today.

Oh, and please there are many people who might misconstrue this prayer as blasphemous. People who take things too seriously and refuse to see things for what they are. Hold back their judgement. Bring peace to their hearts. I’m your child.

Lastly, Lord, make it rain this evening. Make it rain very hard, so hard that Mututho and his Alcoblow boys can’t erect their annoying roadblocks today. If we are going to do this right today, we will need a drink in our hands.

Lord we will not question why you let Valentines Day happen to innocent men, we are sure that there is a greater wisdom to this than we can see.

Amen.