Love of self is the start of love

Surprising as it may sound, there are women whose husbands have never seen them naked. They are fully clothed even at bedtime. They dress and undress with the lights off. I had such a case in the sexology clinic recently.

“It is the stretch marks I am ashamed of, doctor,” she explained. “I also feel that my legs are too thin.”

Three years into marriage, she believed that her man would stop loving her if she exposed her body. It was hard living like this, but she was convinced that there was no other way of keeping him.

She reminded me of the age-old problem of body dysmorphic disorder, a situation where one is not at ease with her own body. There are people who will not open their mouths to laugh because they hate their teeth. Others wear wigs permanently because

they hate their hair, while others feel too short to go without heels.

Fashion designers are now cashing in on this disorder; you can buy padded bras and hip-enhancing panties. Plastic surgery is a profession dedicated to helping people change their looks to conform to a world prescribed definition of beauty.

The truth of the matter is that a woman is much more than her looks; a woman is personality, demeanor, confidence, intelligence and much more. What you consider ugly about your body is part of what makes you stand out, and may even be sexy to other people.

LIST YOUR UNIQUE BEAUTY

Should you find yourself rejecting yourself, start by identifying and listing your unique beauty; there are good things about you that you should love. It could be the beautiful voice that makes you sing well, or maybe your unique lips that make your smile

catchy, or just the size of your body that makes you appear authoritative and confident. Appreciate these gifts of life and remind yourself about them when negative thoughts about your deficiencies pass through your mind.

Instead of wearing tight clothes to look small or baggy clothes to look big, choose comfortable clothes that put you at ease. Part of the difficulty in socialising is that you spend too much time ruminating on what you hate about yourself rather than socialising

without inhibition. This can be frustrating and only serves to further hide the beauty that is inherent in every human being that others only discover when you open up to them.

Always remember that models do not exist in real life. They are dressed up by professionals, their deficiencies concealed, and they are taught to walk and behave in a way that portrays a world of perfection as defined in the beauty profession.

Do not compare yourself to these actors. In fact, you are better off not watching or reading about them if they make you feel inadequate. Real life is different from modeling and you should take it as such.

There are also ego killers in your life, the people whose preoccupation is to show you how ugly you are. They will pretend that they are the best of your friends or relatives and are showing concern.

Ironically, they will never tell you what is beautiful and unique about you. Avoid the company of such people and seek friendship with people who build on your personality and confidence.

If they are relatives that you cannot avoid then have a candid talk and let them know that they hurt you with their uncalled for negative judgment.

People who are preoccupied with self-rejection sometimes do not appreciate compliments. You may have told someone how beautiful they are and ended up getting into trouble.

The person turned against you and accused you of being sarcastic. That is what happens when body dysmorphic disorder has taken root. Always remember that the right thing to do when you are complimented is to be happy and note what people like about

you, and keep reminding yourself about it. The truth is that you do have your own unique beauty and sometimes people appreciate it even when you don’t.

Finally, accepting and appreciating your beauty is the beginning of a successful love life. As the Bible puts it, you should love your neighbour as you love yourself.

If you have no love for yourself, you can never radiate love to others, and your relationships will be dry and boring. You will not develop intimate relationships. If you learn to love yourself you will live happily ever after with the love of your life.