SEXUAL HEALTH: Love yourself for a happier love life

Surprising as it may sound, there are women whose husbands have never seen them naked. They are fully clothed even at bed time. They ensure that the lights are off before they undress and dress up before lights go on. I had one such case at the sexology clinic recently. “It is the stretch marks I am ashamed of, doctor,” she explained, “and I also feel that my legs are too thin.”

Three years into marriage, she believed that her husband would stop loving her if she exposed her body. It was hard keeping her secret from the man she loved, but she was convinced that there was no other way of keeping him.

This woman reminded me of body dysphoria, a situation where one is not at ease with their own body. Affected people will go to all lengths – including procuring expensive, unnecessary plastic surgery – to ‘fix’ themselves.

Fashion designers are now cashing on this disorder and you can buy padded bras to increase the size of your breast or butt. Plastic surgery has become lucrative as people change their looks to conform to a world prescribed definition of beauty.

However, a woman is much more than her looks; a woman is personality, demeanor, confidence, intelligence and much more. What you consider ugly about your body is part of your uniqueness and may even be sexy to other people.

Should you find yourself on the roller coaster of self rejection, start by identifying and listing your unique beauty; there are good things about you that you should love. Those beauty traits make you do things that others cannot do. It could be the beautiful voice that makes you sing pretty well, or your unique lips that make your smile catchy, or just the size of your body that makes you appear authoritative and confident. Appreciate these gifts and think of them when negative thoughts about your perceived deficiencies pass through your mind.

Instead of wearing tight clothes to look small or baggy clothes to look big, choose comfortable wear that makes you feel at ease and allows you to focus on the people you are socialising with.

Part of the difficulty in fitting in social circles is that you spend too much time ruminating on what you hate about yourself rather than opening up to people. This can be frustrating and only serves to further hide the beauty that is inherent in every human being that others only discover when you open up to them.

Always remember that models do not exist in real life. They are dressed up by professionals, they are Photoshopped, and they are taught to walk and behave in a way that portrays perfection as defined in the beauty profession. Do not compare yourself to these actors. In fact you are better off not watching or reading about them if they make you feel inadequate. Real life is different from modeling and you should take it as such.

There are also ego killers in your life – the people whose preoccupation is to show you how ugly you are. They will pretend that they are the best of your friends or relatives and are showing concern. Ironically they will never tell you what is beautiful and unique about you. Avoid the company of such people and seek friendship with people who build your personality and confidence. If they are relatives that you cannot avoid then have a candid talk and let them know that they hurt you with their uncalled for negative judgment.

People suffering self-rejection do not appreciate compliments. You may have told someone how beautiful they are and ended up getting into trouble. The person turned against you and accused you of being sarcastic. That is what happens when someone doesn’t accept themselves. The truth is that you do have your own unique beauty and sometimes people appreciate it even when you don’t.

Finally, accepting and appreciating your beauty is the beginning of a successful love life. You should love your neighbour as you love yourself. If you have no love for yourself you can never radiate love to others and your relationships will be dry and boring. You will not develop intimate relationships. If you learn to love yourself you will live happily with the love of your life.