Say “NO” to Valentine’s Day

In case you didn’t know, Sunday is Valentine’s Day. Yes, dark days come faster than good days, but why does God let bad things happen to his good people? How many times do we have to say we are sorry to be given a pass from this oppressive day?

And why do we have to carry the burden of a history we don’t understand, an irrelevant history? But we are here standing at the precipice of disaster, completely unequipped to handle what is coming.  

You probably haven’t even bought a card yet. Or have a solid plan on what to do tomorrow. And because you don’t learn, you will probably try and wing it. And you will fail! Terribly, like you did last year.

And the year before. But if you were to be honest with yourself, you would admit that there are more reasons not to celebrate Valentine’s Day than there are to mark it. So here are five reasons you shouldn’t bother with Valentine’s Day on Sunday.

BECAUSE IT’S SUNDAY

This is the day of the Lord. It should not be diluted by modern (and commercial) obsessions. Go to church, my friend. Praise the lord! Then go home and let the word of the day sink in.

What is the worst that can happen to you, anyway when the Lord is on your side? I’d like us to turn to the book of 2 Corinthians 4:8-9 for a word that shall protect you from any attacks following your anti-Valentine’s actions tomorrow.

If I may read: “We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed.”

You too, shall be fine. Sunday shall pass. We shall triumph. Go well my brother and have faith in his protection and mercy.

BECAUSE YOU DON’T WANT TO

Women like decisive men. Women like men who believe in something. And to be honest, you don’t believe in Valentine’s Day, at least not any more than you believe in flying saucers.

Or witches on flying brooms. I don’t want to bore you with illustrations of all the great Africans who believed in something, men like Steve Biko, Kwame Nkrumah and Haile Selassie who stood for something and (some) even died for it.

The difference here (and this should come as a relief) is that you won’t die for admitting that you are anti-Valentines. You won’t be jailed in a cell full of water that reaches up to your eyeballs.

Sure, you might get the silent treatment for a week, but come on, compared to what the Mau Mau went through, surely, you can’t start whimpering over at that! Women have always complained that we have forgotten how to be men. This is your chance to

show you have a spine. Say “no” to Valentine’s Day.

BECAUSE YOU SUCK AT BUYING GIFTS

Also, when was the last time she bought you anything? And don’t count the mints that she keeps buying you, that is obviously to save her from your foul breath.

Admit that you have no clue what to buy and most likely you will get her what you got her last year, albeit in a different colour. Gift buying isn’t your thing, and getting her a gift voucher from Nakumatt isn’t exactly how you want to be remembered.

It’s not even the gift, it’s the gesture, and that is something you have always shown her consistently by letting her win all the fights.

IT WILL BE FORGOTTEN TOMORROW

The truth is this: Women forget all the good deeds you do and remember all the bad deeds you did, including those she suspects you did. There is no winning this, gentlemen.

You will be a prince tomorrow if she likes your gift and loves her steak in that candle-lit restaurant that you will take her. But the next morning you will have the same problems you had with her.

She will still complain that you never listen to her. That you aren’t as thoughtful as you used to be. She will still bring up all the bad things you did eons ago and forget all the good things you did yesterday. Good deeds are (often) not rewarded in

relationships. So, why bother? Stay at home. Re-watch Pulp Fiction.

BECAUSE YOU ARE UNIQUE

You don’t conform. You don’t take pictures of your food. You keep your beard. You never use the word, “woiye” You don’t wear happy socks. You never cut a burger with a knife. Ever.

You can’t be caught dead saying things like, “YOLO,” because it’s obvious. You let women come out of elevators first. You like dogs. Big dogs. This is who you are. You do what your heart desires.

And if you are going to take away something from this article, let it be that Zucchini has nice flowers.

Happy Valentine’s Day!