HEART ADVICE: My cheating husband says I am the cheater

This week, a wife who’s at the end of her tether wonders why her unfaithful husband is accusing her of his crimes. PHOTO | FILE| NATION MEDIA GROUP

What you need to know:

  • What you need to do is affirm to him that despite what you know he does behind your back, you are in the marriage to stay and if ever you feel like being somewhere else, you would rather leave the marriage to pursue someone else before you cheat.

 

My man cheats on me and I have resigned myself to it; that’s ok. I don’t want to leave him because I don’t think I can start again as a single woman; where do I even start? Besides, all men cheat so let me just stay with this devil I know. Anyway, despite all this, I have tried to be a good wife and yet he is always accusing me of cheating on him. This happens whenever I get home late from work, or I answer my phone in his presence, or just ask him if I can spend some time with my friends. I used to think it was because he loved me, but now I am, feeling stifled and unhappy. How do I convince him that there is no one else in my life?

 

READERS REPLY

I dispute your conclusion that all men cheat. There are men out there who are loyal to their spouses and their families always come first. Having said that, his mistrust and conclusion that you are cheating on him may be because of your behaviour. Perhaps something happens when you take calls from other men, or spend time with your friends. This is the theory of a happy marriage: always put your husband above your friends. And that is where we always fail. Take charge of your love and friendship life. Make him more important than any of your friends. When it’s family time, let friends respect that don’t take their calls during that time. All the best. Calvin Queens, via email.

 

I don’t think you have to find ways to justify that you’re faithful to your man. Just be a glory to him and be a submissive wife. You only need to let your deeds speak out for you. Yes, you want to spend time with your friends but you have to know that love is beyond friendship. Best of luck!  Gladys Mata, via email.

 

Seems to me that your man has ‘brainwashed’ you to a level where you feel bad about yourself and you think that you are the one in the wrong. This is a reverse psychology strategy which is common among those who cheat. You just need to take the bull by its horns and address the issue with him. It might also be advisable to take a break from each other and reflect and see if there would be any changes. In this era of HIV, Aids and other STIs, it wouldn’t be wise to resign yourself to fate. Albert Omuko, via email.

 

Your marriage is devoid of proper communication and you need to put in some effort. Have a candid chat with your husband. Let him understand that his actions and cheating on you are really hurting you and making you unhappy. Do not accept it because he might bring you a disease. Secondly, evaluate yourself and the entire marriage. Is it worth your happiness and commitment as a good wife? The conversation you will have with him should help you make a decision on how to handle it. Juma Felix, via email.

 

 

 

 

 

EXPERT ADVICE

Maurice Matheka, a relationship counsellor answers:

A: The reason why your husband behaves like he suspects you of cheating is because he is doing the exact thing to you. In my opinion, I do not think he actually believes you cheat on him; his own guilt makes him take it out on you, which is unfair but very common in cases like yours. He knows he has a character trait that leads him to infidelity and unfortunately, his way of vetting is through his suspicion but at the same time it’s his way of making sure he instills fear in you to make sure you never think of betraying him. What you need to do is affirm to him that despite what you know he does behind your back, you are in the marriage to stay and if ever you feel like being somewhere else, you would rather leave the marriage to pursue someone else before you cheat.

 

 

NEXT WEEK’S DILEMMA: I have been married for two years. My husband likes to go out with his boys every weekend and that’s ok, I don’t mind him hanging out with his friends. But the problem is, he always comes home the next morning, or sometimes he doesn’t even make it back until the day after. I worry about him when he’s out there, drunk. What if he gets in an accident or is robbed or killed? I have tried to talk to him about it but he doesn’t change. I want him to understand how much this hurts me and gives me anxiety. What’s the best way to go about this?