My dysfunctional lover

“The past two years have been a roller coaster ride with intense highs and lows in equal measure,” Gerald Kimani, 31, sums up his relationship with a woman who has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD).

In their relationship, he shares, things tend to change on a whim. They can go to bed very stable and in love and wake up with her very angry and accusing him of things he hasn’t even thought about doing.

Ida Too, a Nairobi-based psychotherapist describes personality disorders as disorders that lead a person to have odd behaviour and character traits. They include narcissistic personality disorder, paranoid personality disorder and borderline personality disorder which is more common. BPD is a mental illness characterised by unstable moods, behaviour and relationships. It often occurs together with another mental illness such as depression or bipolar. A person with BPD has difficulty regulating his/her emotions and thoughts and gets impulsive and reckless. People with borderline personality disorder tend to be very passionate and they also have an intense fear of abandonment meaning that if you are in a relationship with her, she will be constantly fighting for you to stay even when you haven’t thought of leaving her.

Kimani admits that the highs and lows were a bit unnerving at first, before he found out about his girlfriend’s condition.

“The only way for a person to be with a partner with a personality disorder is to educate yourself on the condition. When I did, I understood that she was not experiencing our relationship the same way I was,” he says.

HOPE FOR SUFFERERS

He understood that she couldn’t control her extreme mood swings so he makes sure to be the constant in the relationship. For instance, when they have a project planned and she gets mixed feelings about it when they get to it, he has made it his duty to see that they get it done. Distraction is his other tactic. When he sees her getting worked up over a particular subject, distracting her works.

“If the person you are interested in tells you that they have a personality disorder, don’t run. It is possible to have a functional relationship with them. Their emotions are very raw so this may turn out to be the most genuine relationship that you will ever have,” Kimani says.

It is possible to have a relationship with a person with a personality disorder if you take your time to understand the particular disorder and focus on your significant other as an individual. How do they want to be loved, though?

“Most people I have dated imagine that I want a rescuer. I do not. What I need is a sounding board. Someone to keep me grounded,” shares Millicent, a 29-year-old graphic designer who was also diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.

She admits that almost all her relationships have been shaky, something she attributes to the fact that she sees the world in either black or white, with no grey areas. As long as someone hasn’t wronged her, they are pure, but when they do wrong her, then they are pure evil. This means that when she fights with someone she is dating, she tends to throw the baby out with the bathwater.

“I need someone who will remind me that when in a relationship, we are fighting to stay together, we are not fighting to part,” she says.

American Clinical psychologist and author Neil Bockian in his book New Hope for People with Borderline Personality Disorder, writes that the black or white view of the world by people with borderline personality disorder means that they need someone to feed them the truth. Someone to tell them when they get fired that they were wrong and it wasn’t the world conspiring to hurt them.

The most important thing for someone in such a relationship according to Bockian is to take care of yourself first. Set your limits so that your partner doesn’t walk all over you. If you can afford it, also seek some therapy for yourself.

Signs your partner has borderline personality disorder: 

1. She is constantly afraid that you will abandon her.

2. She has intense emotions that can change very quickly i.e. she can be very happy one minute and very sad the next.

3. She doesn’t have a strong self-image or strong sense of self; it changes from time to time.

4. She finds it hard to keep stable relationships.

5. She is impulsive and reckless. 

6. She feels lonely and empty a lot of the time.

7. She experiences explosive and destructive anger and lashes out at people in rage.

8. She gets suicidal and sometimes indulges in destructive and self-harming behaviour such as cutting herself.

9. She falls in love quickly, but her feelings for you can change from love to loathing at any time. She sees things in black and white with no in-betweens.

10. She struggles with paranoia.

- From Internet sources

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If you decide to stay with your love interest who has BPD, your relationship will have some unique hurdles. Here is a look at some of the fights that you are bound to have:

• The “I hate you, I need you” fight – A person who has a personality disorder will have an intense fear of abandonment. They also can’t  control their emotions so a fight with them is likely to escalate. There will be moments when they will want you out of their lives and moments when they will want to hold onto you. At first, this will be confusing.
• The projection fight – When things go wrong in your relationship, you can be sure that your significant other will project their mistakes on you. Do not take it personally. This is their way of dealing with their feelings of shame and their distorted self-image.
• Emotional reasoning – Individuals with personality disorders have very low emotional maturity. They can’t separate fact from their emotions. You will have fights with your partner that will be based on their emotions rather than facts. If they feel something, they will believe that it is true and you will fight about it.
• The blame game – You will fight the “it’s your fault” fight with this person. This is their way of dealing with your imagined faults.