I am a 24-year-old Muslim man. I recently broke up with my fiancée. We had been in a long-distance relationship for six years before the breakup.
She came to visit me two months ago after my mum passed away in early January, and I introduced her to my family as my wife-to-be.
Everyone was happy for me, but that never lasted because a few days into her visit, I found out that she was chatting and flirting with a male friend from Mombasa on WhatsApp with the phone I bought her.
They even exchanged three photos each, describing one another as “too beautiful” and “so handsome.” Their conversation was so hurtful that I went to her elder sister to complain.
I broke off the engagement four weeks ago hoping that my fiancée would realise her mistake and apologise, but she is yet to do so. Should I be the one to reach out to her to save our relationship or should I just move on? I still love her.
That your girlfriend took her time to travel and console you during a difficult time shows that she has time for you and shares in your pain. You made a move out of anger and ruined everything.
You should have confronted her and had a one-on-one chat with her, but instead you brought in her sister who had nothing to do with your relationship; that alone is enough to make anyone mad.
To make matters worse, you broke off the engagement without even discussing the issue. Clearly you did that to scare her, but it seems like she doesn’t care anyway.
Here’s what I think you should do: Recollect yourself, look for her and calmly ask her for an explanation. If you don’t buy the story she gives you, move on. But in the future, always engage your partner before making rash decisions about your relationship.
It is clear that you are insecure. You can only know your true friends during moments of crisis, and she proved to be one by being there when you needed her most.
Flirting with a male friend is not enough reason to break up with someone; in any case, there will always be admirers even after you marry her, so you should have proved to her that you trust her to handle any admirer in a mature way by putting your
interests at heart. After all, I believe that you also have female friends who flirt with you; how do you handle them? What makes you think she can’t handle admirers?
For your information, all beautiful ladies, whether single or taken, attract admirers, but not all of them build relationships with them. Just go back to her and apologise for not trusting her.
Also work on building your trust and feelings of security or else you will have many relationship problems. Lennis Muriuki
You cannot break up with your fiancée and assume that she will change and apologise, without having a candid conversation about her actions, how they made you feel
and why she is acting that way. Before you write her off, talk to her without showing any anger. Her reaction to this discussion will help you decide whether to stick with her or not. Juma Felix
Maurice Matheka, a relationship counsellor answers:
When it comes to matters of the heart, there is no guarantee that your partner feels exactly the way you do. There is a possibility that your fiancée’s feelings towards you waned as time passed and she fell prey to the lures and temptations of social media.
From her actions (including not reaching out to you or apologising), it is clear that she has already moved on, so you should do the same.
Even if you manage to kiss and make up, it will be short-lived as what will follow is likely to be a relationship of convenience rather than a relationship based on mutual feelings of love towards each other.
In such a relationship, you will be filled with constant misery and mental torment as you try, in vain, to mould her into the woman you think she should be.
NEXT WEEK’S DILEMMA: I ‘ve been married for almost 20 years. I separated from my wife when I found out she was cheating. She blamed me for her infidelity, saying that our financial problems had contributed to it.
I forgave her for the sake of our kids because I felt it was in their best interest for us to stay together. Now we are headed for another separation because my wife is always on WhatsApp, sending and receiving raunchy messages.
When I confronted her, she said that I shouldn’t read so much into it because they are just SMSs and don’t mean that she has gotten physical with those men.
She has even changed how she dresses and started wearing makeup for the first time at the age of 45! She has also developed a very negative attitude towards me.
When I ask her something politely, she snaps at me. Strange enough, she wakes up early to read the Bible and attend a 6am church service every day, which is hypocritical.
I want to start afresh without her, but that thought worries me since I am over 50. Is what my wife is going through a temporary phase or is this who she is from now henceforth? I feel confused. Please advise me.