Advice for a young groom

Somewhere in Nairobi there is a gentleman called Jack who will be walking his bride down the aisle today. I don’t know Jack personally, but I know Jack’s bride, Zippy.

Quiet girl. Nice girl. Industrious. Level-headed. A few days ago Zippy loomed over my desk and asked, “Biko, what is the one piece of advice you would give my husband-to-be?” I could think of about a million pieces of advice.

Jack, you might not know me personally, but we are men and such, we have a common destiny. So here is my wedding present to you: A few skills to help you survive the sea you are about to set sail in.

Shut up

Absolute honesty in marriage is overrated. You can’t declare everything.

So you ran into your ex? Shut up. So your aunties hate your wife’s guts? Shut up. So you hate how her dead-beat brothers come over and drink all your booze and “borrow” your shoes?

Well, that you have to stop, but with a lot of diplomacy. Rule of thumb: Before you tell your wife anything, ask yourself one important question: Does it affect the bottom-line of the relationship?

If it doesn’t, shut up because anything you say in marriage can and shall be used against you at some point.

“You look fantastic, baby.”

Tell her when she does. Women love compliments. Think of it like watering a flower.

Walk away

You will be driven up the wall. There will be useless fights that start out of the blue. Unexpected and annoying bouts of sulking. She will get you so mad you will feel hair grow on your toes.  Don’t ever say a thing in a moment of red-hot anger. Just learn to walk away.

Listen

This is the best skill. When they start talking they don’t stop. You have things you want to say? Not important, buddy.

Here are a few interjections you can throw in every now and then to make her feel like you are listening: “Oh really?” “That’s horrible!”

“How dare she? That witch!” If you get bored halfway (and you will) just nod a lot and stare intently at her; she will think you are concentrating.

Just pray she doesn’t ask you a question. If she does, start coughing hysterically.

You are not perfect

You are not superman, you are just a man. You might struggle with being a good father or a good husband; it doesn’t mean you are a failure as a man. It just means you are challenged in your roles, and that can’t be the worst flaw ever. Watch out for a woman’s constant criticism; it will destroy you, man, so never allow her to define you by your weaknesses. 

Money

You will have epic fights about money. Your money. Don’t follow the trail of her money, it’s a useless pursuit. Don’t hide your payslip, another useless pursuit. Agree on the rules of financial engagement.

Be firm

Have you seen hyenas hunt? Or lions? They go for the weak, the old or the sick.

You can’t show weakness at any rate, they can smell it on your shirt. You have to show spine. Make decisions.

Don’t falter. Give direction. Stand for something. Be the man. She will respect you for that. Of course, you will make many wrong decisions and when you do, be the guy who admits his mistakes, the man who cedes, because that is strength, not weakness. Only fools don’t change their minds, Jack.

Housework

Help out by all means. But not all the time, she might start thinking it’s in your JD.

Other women

You will be attracted to another woman at some point.

Yes, stop acting so pious; you will, unless the two of you relocate to the top of the Aberdare Ranges, living on fruits and love. Question is, how far will you want to take it?

Always remember that she will find out because we are careless – but after that everything changes, everything.

Do something thoughtful

A bouquet of flowers on an odd day. Cook a meal. Offer to iron her dress so she can leave the house on time. Go out of your way for her. Do this once in a while. They never forget the small stuff, man.

The small stuff

Don’t sweat it. Let her win the small fights. One day, when it matters, you will put your foot down.

When that day comes, don’t remove that foot from the floor, my friend, because sometimes a man just has to make a point, no matter how moot.

Boys in bars

Don’t listen to your friends in bars. We all thump our chests in bars but when we go back home we tiptoe around the house like refugees.

You will never get sound advice about marriage in a bar from a man with a drink in his hand at 2am.

 Rent

You know the easiest way to lose respect in your own house? If you let your wife take care of your business. Forget that equality poppycock; whatever you do, no matter how hard it is, pay your rent, Jack, and pay your children’s school fees.

That’s your voice. She starts taking care of that side of biashara and you will never be able to tell her anything.

Always wear a hard hat in the house

No, I’m kidding.

Good luck, brother. Congratulations to you and Zippy.