RELATIONSHIP ADVICE: My husband stares at other women

I am 28 and I have been married for one year. My problem is that my husband likes to check out other women. He stares at the behind of every woman who passes by even when he is with me.

It is so irritating! I have asked him to stop doing that but he hasn’t stopped. It makes me wonder if it is a sign he will cheat on me. Shouldn’t he have stopped ogling other women after we got married?

Does it mean that he is not satisfied with me and is looking for other women out there? I do my best to keep myself attractive for him, so it breaks my heart to see him lusting after other women.

It even gets me off the mood for intimacy. I can’t put up with this. How can I make him stop? What should I do?

READERS’ ADVICE

Your man ogling other women when with you is a sign of disrespect. Though men have that habit, he needs to understand that you deserve all his attention when walking with him.

Make him understand how disrespectful that behaviour is to you by politely talking to him. And avoid making conclusions that he might cheat on you. Maybe it’s just fun for him which doesn’t mean what you are thinking. Juma Felix

Sorry for what you are experiencing but avoid getting all worked up about it. A tender tap on the shoulder accompanied by a warm “I love you dear” every time you catch him in the act may gradually shift his attention from other women.

He may not necessarily be promiscuous but he may still have some growing up to do. Remember that women mature earlier and should you handle this issue with subtlety, the interest to look at other women will die.  John Victor

I am sorry about the fact that you feel irritated by your husband’s ogling behaviour. I understand how frustrating it can be. Nevertheless, he is your husband and you ought not to break up your marriage on the basis of this.

After all, it’s better for the man who ogles than the man who sleeps around with other women. Show your husband your love for him and assure him that you really value him. You can also organise moral counselling and support him in this.

Soon, the issue will be fixed. All the best. Calvin Queens

EXPERT ADVICE

Maurice Matheka, a relationship counsellor answers:

Here is what you should do: First, remember that men are visual and embrace that. He may be married to you, but it is unrealistic to think that you can switch off that part of him that appreciates the beauty of what he sees.

Put yourself in his shoes; now that you are married, does it mean that you don’t notice handsome men? I’m sure you do. You just notice, appreciate and move on. It is the same thing with your husband.

You should be happy that he is not a pretender, pretending that he doesn’t ogle when he is with you and going all out when you are not there.

If you keep pressuring him to change, he will start hiding this and other behaviours and stop being open with you, so you will end up grooming a pathological liar.

Ogling is not a problem, neither is it an indication that a man will cheat. Look at it this way: men who have things to hide or who live a double life are not as free around their wives as your husband is. Allow your husband to be himself around you without fear.

NEXT WEEK’S DILEMMA

I have a three-month-old baby. I lost my job when I applied for maternity leave (my boss told me not to go back after my leave).

Now I’ve just been offered another job and I’m supposed to report in January next year, but my husband is against me taking the job.

He says that I should just stay home and take care of our only baby and assures me that he will pay all the bills as he has been doing ever since I lost my job.

He also says that he doesn’t want a stranger (a house help) near his baby or in our house. I feel bored at home and I want to work, but he is very adamant and we are not even talking because of this.

Should I just do what he wants for the sake of our marriage or should I defy him and take the job?