Coping with survivor’s guilt

Surviving an ordeal while those you are with perish can leave you feeling guilty. PHOTO | FILE| NATION MEDIA GROUP

What you need to know:

  • Survivor’s guilt stresses on an unconscious belief that to have good luck is to deprive another of it.
  • It is a form of empathic distress characterised by nightmares, difficulty sleeping, flashbacks , loss of motivation, irritability, a sense of numbness and thoughts about the meaning of life.
  • Ideally, it should hit immediately after an event where there were mass deaths or a death of a loved one occurs.

Tragedies often leave behind a string of shattered hearts. Depending on the magnitude of the misfortune,  the survivor can undergo mild to sever trauma. Often times, the survivors are left nursing guilt, especially in cases where they are the only ones that survived. Such traumatic incidents leave people reeling in emotional turmoil and suffering from survivor’s guilt. This can be defined as a mental condition that paralyses a person’s mind and he believes he did something wrong by surviving a traumatic event as others perished. Survivor’s guilt stresses on an unconscious belief that to have good luck is to deprive another of it. It is a form of empathic distress characterised by nightmares, difficulty sleeping, flashbacks , loss of motivation, irritability, a sense of numbness and thoughts about the meaning of life. Ideally, it should hit immediately after an event where there were mass deaths or a death of a loved one occurs. Whereas one is glad to be alive, they are also sad that others died in the process.

 

Nancy Awino, 37, is one of the survivors of the Westgate Mall attack that struck on September 21, 2013.

She was seven months pregnant at the time. She and a colleague had gone to the supermarket in the mall before the mayhem started.

“I had just bought some pillows and I did not want them packed in paper bags. Since I was expectant, one of the staffers at the supermarket was helping me carry them to my office on the same floor. The guard at the supermarket entrance stopped me to ask  why the pillows were not in bags. Just as I started explaining, we saw a lot of sparks on the elevators and I thought it was an electrical fault. All of a sudden there was a commotion with people struggling to rush into the supermarket. That’s when it occurred to us that we were under attack as gunshots rent the air. A physically challenged staffer from the supermarket led us to a smaller room which stored baby clothes. It was fully packed and the door would not close. He pulled some cartons against the door and sat on them.

I called my family, including parents and siblings, and I told them everything that was going on. It was a difficult moment – ventilation was very poor and I needed to relieve myself frequently –but the staffer was very helpful. I had clearly described to my people on text where I was. People must have left their phones in the supermarket, because you could only hear gunshots and phones ringing the whole time we were hiding.

Later, we heard a knock on the door, and I was sure the end was near. However, I recognised the rescuers from  UNHCR because of the branded T-shirts they had worn. They led us to assemble at some area as they went back to get other survivors. Then the gunshots started raining from the floor above us. We were moved along the wall and down the stairs to a dark area that was more safe. Upon reaching the exit point of the mall, which was the supermarket’s loading zone , the terrorists followed us there and again started shooting towards our direction. The rescuers shouted to us to get behind the trucks, and that’s when the woman who had been holding my hand let go to save herself. People dived down to avoid being shot. That’s how I ended up jumping to the floor and lying on my tummy. I got minor injuries on my belly. The scene was horrific. Bodies lay on the ground. When the gunshots died down, we were evacuated.  For a long time after that, I used to fear power blackouts, thunder, bursting balloons, loud utensils or other loud noises. I would have nightmares of being shot at. I got counselling from my employers and was given a leave period till I was okay to go back to work. There was also a special arrangement for my husband and children to get counselling because of the effects of what I was going through. The effects of the trauma eventually ended, although I still get emotional even when I talk about it. I thank God we made it out alive, and my daughter is a big girl now.”

 

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Cynthia Cherotich was 19 when Garissa University was attacked by terrorists.

“I woke up at 5am to revise for exams that morning but there was a blackout in the hostels. So I decided to go to the lecture hall with one of my roommates. There, we found most of our colleagues studying. The Christian Union (CU) student members were also attending their daily morning prayers. After about five minutes we heard gunshots coming from the university gate.

When we came out to check  what was happening, I saw something resembling sparks. The CU students started praying loudly and the gunmen opened fire on us. We ran for our dear lives as the terrorists followed us, some students fell as they were shot. I ran into my room and woke some of my roommates, who were still sleeping. They wanted to go and see what was happening but I advised them not to. We hid under the bed.

Immediately the attackers arrived, they started shooting everywhere in the hostel. We had only three exits: one at the ladies’ wing, another one at the men’s wing and the main exit. But the terrorists had locked the two exit from 11pm to 7am, so only the main exit was available and the gunmen took advantage of that as students couldn’t escape easily. They ordered students to come out from their hiding places, especially those who were hiding under the bed, promising that those who cooperated would be spared. Those who came out were shot dead and that’s when I realised the attackers were Al-Shabaab. I had initially thought they were KDF officers trying to discipline striking students because the previous night there was a water shortage and the students were organising a peaceful demonstration.

An idea struck me and I quickly entered into the top drawer located above the wardrobe. It was too small but miraculously I squeezed in, leaving my roommates under the bed.

Inside the drawer were my friend’s clothes and some shopping items like body lotions. I hid under the clothes and left the drawer wide open. I could still hear the gunmen calling students to come out. They told the female students to come out since their culture forbids the killing of girls. I was about to come out when the first group of girls were singled out.They separated Christians from Muslims  by ordering them to recite the Quran. The Christians were killed on the spot. While in the drawer, I kept praying that they wouldn’t find my spot. I felt hungry and thirsty, and it was too hot inside the drawer. I drunk lotion to quench my thirst, avoiding to climb down to fetch water as I feared I could encounter the gunmen.

I stayed inside the drawer from that Thursday morning until  Saturday morning when rescuers found me. There was a time when the gunmen came to my room, shooting everywhere  – the wardrobe and under the bed. However,  they didn’t shoot my drawer because it was open and they could only see clothes. Then on Saturday, at around 10am, a male police officer came into my room. I could hear him moving beds, checking the wardrobe and finally into my drawer. He removed the clothes I had used to cover myself and when he saw there was a live person inside, he was a bit scared. He immediately called his colleagues to confirm if it was a gunman or a student. I did not believe that they were rescuers, thinking that were the militants, and I refused to come out.

Finally, they brought the university deputy principal and that’s when I agreed to come out. I asked them to give me water but since I had stayed for a long period without eating, they refused to let me have any because I would develop complications. I was immediately taken to Garissa Hospital, accompanied by the deputy principal, where I stayed from 10am till I was taken to Kenyatta Hospital. There I met with other injured students, and we received treatment and counselling for two days.

I had more counselling sessions while at home and after being admitted into Moi University, in 2015. I have never experienced nightmares although sudden noises like banging of the door, hooting, or dogs barking make me feel scared to the point of sometimes falling down. I’m recovering from this trauma by sharing the story to my friends; it makes me feel relieved.

 

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23-year-old rapper Wangechi Waweru.

She remembers that night as a fun night-out like many other they had had before. Together with her friends, Natalie Tewa and the late Tionna Wangechi, they were driving on James Gichuru Road on the morning of September 14, 2014, when there vehicle was involved in an accident. The case about the accident is pending in court and so she couldn’t divulge details about the incident.

“It was a friend’s birthday party and we were all in attendance. I actually have no clue where the accident took place, or how we were taken out of the vehicle because I was knocked out during the whole ordeal. I just remember leaving the place where the party was and waking up in the hospital the next morning. Nobody knows exactly what happened that fateful morning at about 3am . Perhaps the watchmen who heard the bang could  shed more light on the crash.

Fortunately, our friends took the same route and found us at the accident scene. Together with Good Samaritans, they helped get us out of the car. I had internal bleeding that led to me getting a colostomy on my intestines. I broke my left hand and had a brain injury that left me unable to walk for two months. I also broke my nose and jaw. It took a month to recover from ICU and another month at home before going back for another surgery, and a further four months to get back to a condition that would allow me to go back to school. 

Fastening my safety belt that night saved my life. If I didn’t have it on, I wouldn’t be here today. Since then,  I always ensure I have my safety belt on in a vehicle nowadays,” says Wangechi.

About a month after the accident, Wangechi would get to find out that her friend Tionna wasn’t fortunate to come out of the accident alive. She had died on the spot. And this is where her guilt over the loss took over.

“I had lost my friend. My family and friends took long to tell me because they knew it would affect my recovery process. You have to be strong both mentally and physically in the hospital. However, I would have still wanted to know about my friend’s death sooner because I’m emotionally stronger than most people think, and furthermore I would have wanted to attend her burial.

Had I known the night would have turned out like it did, I would have taken a cab home instead and I would have also advised Tionna to always ensure she had her seat belt on.  It was mostly friends and family who helped me to deal with the whole situation in the beginning, but when you’re all alone after visiting hours are over, it’s when things get harder to deal with.

If I knew better, I would have looked for professional help and I would still recommend it to anyone going through a traumatic experience. I think most people don’t believe in it, so it’s not recommended but after going through such an ordeal, post-traumatic stress disorder is likely to creep in.

 

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How to deal with intense trauma

When tragedy strikes, people react differently. During intense trauma, a professional counsellor must take the survivors through some sort of questioning because of the magnitude of the incident. Stress makes people react in a way that many won’t think normal, but that is the normal reaction.

“A certain pastor could not remember any scriptures for a long time after the event,” say Dr Philomena Ndambuki, an educational psychology lecturer, registered counsellor and supervisor who was among a group of counsellors who were trained by a team of Israeli and American aid workers on how to treat patients with intense trauma following the 1998 bombing of the US Embassy in Nairobi.

“In addition, he could not also relate intimately with his wife.” He further gives other examples of people who were so affected that they resorted to behaviour they could not explain. “A driver at the bomb blast site ran away from the scene, leaving his employer in the car. He also blew a whistle all the way to his house in Eastleigh. These are normal reactions of people with deep trauma,” explains Dr Ndambuki. This sort of trauma is tackled differently because of the magnitude of negative emotional and psychological impact it places on a person.

To solve this problem, the survivors need to get debriefed immediately after the incident, explains Dr Ndambuki.  This is done through a session where they are allowed to talk in depth about the incident as thoroughly as possible. They should be allowed to express themselves; the thoughts that went through their minds at that particular time and also go through the emotions and their manifestations as it was happening.

Debriefing was necessitated after soldiers coming home from the Second World War and Vietnam War started experiencing Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). They experience the traumatising events in thinking, feeling or behaviour which was stimulated by different things. When trauma is not attended to it has a way of settling in the system, majorly in the mind. We need to find out where they are at intellectually, physically, emotionally, socially and morally or they could slip into depression thinking they are putting their loved ones in stressful situations. One stops processing information in the normal way, and settles for a painful manner and reacts how best perceive their environment. Then afterwards they might need counselling, or sometimes they may snap out, thus not requiring any counselling. Even where PTSD occurs to an individual we still need to do debriefing. It really helps. Most people turn t to psychiatric institutions, when in most cases they just need assistance to process the pain psychologically, explains Dr Ndambuki.