PERSONAL FINANCE: 5 ways to change your relationship with money

I recently taught a leadership course. In usual format, I asked each of the class participants what they would like to achieve from the session. For some reason, many of them said they would like to change their relationship with money.

Reflecting on this statement, it struck me that when I look back, I have heard many people use those exact terms. Maybe you also want to change your relationship with money. Maybe you are also wondering what that means. Maybe it has been an abstract word that is simply thrown about.

To break this down, let’s start by thinking of money as an actual ‘person’. How would you define that relationship? Is it fleeting, elusive, solid, intimate? Do you avoid this person, gossip about them, complain about them, tell them they are never enough? If money were a person, what would they say about you?

Would they claim you treat them well or would they say you spend no time with them yet you want their best? Would they say you value them or are constantly dismissing them? Spend a few minutes and reflect on that. That’s what a relationship with money is all about. Here are a few things you can do to change that relationship. 

1. Put money in its place.

In the session I taught, many people said money is in control. After all, bills need to paid. There are probably a lot of decisions we make every day on the basis of money, right? However it’s never money making that decision. The decision to pay or not to pay your power bill still rests with you. You can opt not to have lights. You make the choices; money does not ‘decide’ for you. You have made the choice to live in a certain way and yes, money is needed to sustain that, but the choice is yours. Whatever good has come out of your relationship with money, you can take the credit. But also take the responsibility for the things that have not been too good. Money did not put a gun to your head and tell you “borrow me” or “lend me” or “spend me”. 

2.Kill the blame game.

Because you now understand that you are in charge, can we please kill the blame game? A typical conversation about money will include variations of how broke we are and how money is never enough. Imagine if you were in a relationship where the other person is always complaining about you. Words have a lot of power. We begin to live what we say. When people are complaining about how broke they are, they are usually doing the very same thing that keeps them broke. They complain about being broke in the bar! Just like relationships thrive on gratitude, so does money. If you start valuing what you can do with Sh1,000 (instead of complaining that you only have that), you will figure out how to make triple that. 

3.Your identity is not money.

Contrary to what society and reality TV throws at us, you are not defined by money. You are not more valuable as a person because your pay slip has extra digits. It may allow you to live a certain way or make certain investments but it should not be the source of your security as a person. You know why? The pay can disappear. The digits can reduce. The house can go. The car can go. The investments may not work out as planned. The business can go. The job title can go. And we know this, and that is why we do crazy things to hang on to some of these things. However, do you really want to live a life where your self-worth is dependent on things that can go? Depending on money to give you identity is too big of a job description for money. It’s like telling your five-year old child that he/she is now the family doctor. They’ll crack under that pressure just like our relationship with money cracks when we put that pressure on. When we think money should be our success, confidence, reason for respect, status, etc. it will never be enough. We will always want more and there’s always a bigger title or a better gadget to buy. 

4. Awareness.

Can you have a good relationship with someone you don’t know and don’t spend time with? You don’t know what makes them tick, upset, happy, thrive, etc. Have you taken time to understand what makes money work? How do you know when your husband/wife is not happy? How do you know when you child is just about to throw a tantrum? How do you know that your colleague at work is in a good mood? You have built awareness about them because of the time you spend with them. We all want to be wealthy but we cannot grow what we don’t know. Do you know where your money goes? Do you know what options are out there for you to grow it? We have too many people looking for overnight success opportunities because they do not want to invest the time to nurture this relationship. Spend time with your money. Have a monthly date to evaluate where you are, what your plans are and what needs to happen. 

5. Multiplier vs. Consumer

Money needs direction. I said recently that money follows vision. Is your money a resource to consume or a resource to multiply? It cannot serve two objectives. You have to decide which direction you are giving it at this stage of your life. This decision will dictate many things in your relationship with money. If it is a resource to consume, you will spend first before doing anything else. You will want to make money to spend. If you find an unexpected Sh100, 000 in your bank account tomorrow, your mind will default to what you can spend it on. However if the priority for you is multiplication, you will probably save or invest first.

This relationship can change for the better. All you need to do is define it.