Don’t let a man waste your time

It has been five years. A happy five years. You can complete each other’s sentences, you have been to all his family gatherings and his mother loves you. Unlike the way it was when you first met, you have both figured out your finances. To an onlooker, the relationship seems ready for the next stage. Still, there is no over-priced ring, no getaway to a far-away island for that magical proposal, no wedding bells in sight.

So what are you waiting for? Friends and family ask over and over. Honestly, you do not know the answer to this question. You are ready to say yes, but he doesn’t seem keen on popping the question. So you are stuck in this uncomfortable position and all you can do is wait for something you are not quite sure is coming.

It is women in this relationship rut who say things like, ‘marriage is just a piece of paper’ or ‘we both know that we are in it for the long haul. Our getting married wouldn’t make a difference’. To be fair, telling yourself this over and over will make you feel a little better about your situation.

CLEAR GOALS

The truth, though, is that the marriage certificate isn’t the only difference between a marriage and a long-term relationship. First, there is the little fact that marriage is protected by law and then the fact that your tax requirements change. Then there is the social perspective.

You may not know it but how others perceive your relationship affects you. Case in point, wouldn’t it be easier to get leave from work to attend to a sick husband rather than a sick boyfriend?

While one is formally defined and publicly acknowledged, the other is private, ambiguous and there are no binding obligations. It isn’t the same.

We can’t talk about getting out of a long-term relationship rut without talking about how women find themselves in it. Our biggest mistake is going into relationships with lots of assumptions. You don’t quite talk about where the relationship is going but you assume that it is leading to the altar, only to realise that it isn’t after you have sunk years of your life into it. Maybe he tells you that he isn’t keen on that kind of commitment but you refuse to hear him and assume that if you spend two or three years together, and if you act like a good wife and play house perfectly, he will come round.

You set goals for other areas of your life – you have educational goals and even career goals – so why not have relationship goals? Why not put the purpose that’s present in other areas of your life into your dating?

Stop making assumptions about your man or your relationship. Decide what you want and set your goals. If you want marriage, make sure that he is on the same page as you.

Don’t assume that he will just come around because chances are that he won’t, and you will end up bitter about wasted time and emotions. If you find yourself in a rut, that one is on you. You could have just asked.