PLAINTALK: Stop explaining yourself to others

You are under no obligation to explain your life decisions to anyone except those who are directly affected by your decisions.

In November last year, a local gospel musician said ‘I do’ to another musician. For reasons best known to the two of them, the bottom could not hold and the marriage was over before it had begun. Life moved on. Last week, perhaps driven by a need to control her narrative, the ex-wife used social media to try to explain why she made the decisions she did. All hell broke loose. Now, everyone seems to have something to say about this marriage.

I do not think it is particularly scandalous that the marriage lasted only a few hours. I am a strong advocate of everyone striving to find their happiness whichever side of the public opinion this may take you. What I do not understand is the need that she felt to explain her life choices, a need that many women have.

So you are 35 and you do not feel broody at all. Maybe you like being a stay-at-home mother and have no intention of re-entering the work force, or maybe everyone around you is getting hitched but you enjoy the freedom that being romantically unattached brings… why do you feel the need to explain these life choices? You shouldn’t. Only the wearer knows where the shoe pinches. The rest of the opinions do not matter. They shouldn’t

The plain truth is that you are an adult. Your choices are yours. Others’ opinions are their load. You might think that by getting ahead of everything and explaining why you live your life the way you do, you are taking charge but it’s a false belief. More often than not, those you are explaining yourself to will not react the way you were hoping they would.

Every time you explain your choices to a third party who has no stake in your life, you are second-guessing yourself. Explaining or trying to justify your life choices is akin to doubting your sense of judgement. When you explain, you invite third parties to come in and tell you what they think you are doing wrong with your life. It can all be very draining. This is how you end up having others walk all over you because you were trying to get their approval of your decisions.

The other truth is that you can’t really control what others think about your choices, no matter how many times or how eloquently you explain or justify them. How about saving that time and energy and using it to do something that you actually have control over – like making the life choices that are better for you?

Stop explaining your life to everyone unless your choices directly affect this person. Learn to say no without feeling the need to explain why. The only thing you ought to be worried about is whether or not you can live with the consequences of your decisions, not whether or not others approve. You do not need a cheering squad to approve of your life decisions. Validation should come from within.