No time for intimacy? Diarise it

It was well past midnight. The irritating buzz of my phone ringing would not let me slide off into the sweetness of sleep. I stretched out my hand, fumbling to grab the phone and dropping it in the process. I quickly rose up and picked it up. It was my long-time client, Jane, calling.

“I am tired of these bedroom wars. I think I should just quit this marriage,” she exclaimed. She and her husband had just had a bad exchange. He had accused her of being insensitive and mean.

The bone of contention was that she had declined to have sex that night.

In our previous sex coaching sessions, the couple had learnt basics of pleasuring each other to keep the fire burning. They had learnt about how to have foreplay.

They were also proficient in techniques of satisfying each other. I wondered what else such a couple needed to enjoy peace in their relationship.  “Now our problem is that Andrew will not let me rest!” Jane complained.

Any time she turned Andrew’s advances down, they would have a bitter quarrel. This night was one of those occasions. The quarrels were getting rather frequent and she was fed up. We agreed to meet at the clinic at daybreak.

I arrived in the clinic at 7.30am; the couple was there waiting. The tension between them was palpable. They had been shouting at each other the whole night. Jane’s eyes were red from lack of sleep.

Both Jane and Andrew had demanding jobs. They arrived home late and tired each night, always past 7pm. Their firstborn was eight and the second six years old.

Children always had homework which they had to help with, and then there were the usual issues of them crying, refusing to eat and so forth, all meant to get attention from their tired parents. Many times they would keep knocking on their parents’ bedroom door even after lights went off. Jane found it strange that Andrew had energy and desire for sex almost every night.

“Well, the solution to this may be scheduling of romantic sessions,” I said, trying to get a practical solution to the problem.

“What? You mean like have a timetable for sex?” Andrew asked, frowning.

That was exactly what I meant. It may sound unromantic to schedule sex, but that is what keeps long-term relationships going. The couple does not need to write the schedule down; all they need is to know the day and time when they do their thing. It is, however, important to agree on the schedule.

'SOUNDS UNROMANTIC'

“But that sounds very unromantic! It is better when it is spontaneous,” Andrew said. I did not agree. Having a schedule is like an extension of foreplay. It allows for psychological preparedness. This also works very well in helping avoid sexual accidents involving contraception. “Is it not romantic to call each other in the course of the day to remind them that the day has come? Would you not want to dress well, perfume up and prepare your body for your partner on the D-day?” I asked.

Romance by appointment is what has kept many couples going. If there is no obligation to obey some form of appointment, days just pass and soon it goes into months then years without sex. Sexless couples find reasons to fight all the time to cover for their frustrations.

A couple with love appointments spends time planning how to make the next encounter more enriching.

For those couples with mismatched libido, having a schedule can be quite reassuring. The higher demand partner rests assured that the D-day will soon come and does not have to be anxious. The lower desire partner amasses courage to stay on course with their obligation.

Two months passed after our session and neither Jane nor Andrew called to give me feedback. Then one morning they walked into the clinic together again. “There comes trouble!” I whispered to myself as they walked into the consultation room, worried that things may not have worked.

“We just thought we should come to thank you,” Jane said. “Our marriage was on the verge of collapsing. You saved it.”

The couple had created a timetable that had ended up enriching their lives. “The timetable allows us to give our children adequate attention and ensures that they are asleep before we embark on our business,” Andrew explained, smiling.

They had also decided to have a night out every three months to be more explicit in their endeavours and achieve the things they could not do in the confines of their small house. As they walked away holding each others’ hands, it became obvious to me that passion by appointment is the way to go in the busy world which we find ourselves in today.