RELATIONSHIP TIPS:Christmas with a broken heart
While a Christmas break-up might seem cruel or mistimed, Susan Gacheru, a family therapist says that getting dumped during Christmas has nothing to do with the festivities. PHOTO | NATION
What you need to know:
- If the break-up happens at Christmas, it is highly likely that your partner may have wanted to break up with you all along. He may feel that the relationship has outlived its usefulness and may therefore choose to end it just before the end of the year, so that he can start the next year on a clean slate.
- It is important to join family so that you can be close to people who care about you and share the Christmas cheer with you. Further, instead of focusing on your feelings of sadness, look for ways you can make a difference to someone else.
The period before Christmas comes only second in the ranks of the seasons when most break-ups are recorded. This is according to research by the author David McCandles. While a Christmas break-up might seem cruel or mistimed, Susan Gacheru, a family therapist says that getting dumped during Christmas has nothing to do with the festivities, and everything to do with reflections on the year that is coming to a close.
“If the break-up happens at Christmas, it is highly likely that your partner may have wanted to break up with you all along. He may feel that the relationship has outlived its usefulness and may therefore choose to end it just before the end of the year, so that he can start the next year on a clean slate,” she says.
If it happens to be a marriage that is coming to an end, it gets complicated if there are children involved. Dr Chris Hart, a psychologist in Nairobi, says that if it is your first Christmas just after the separation, you should give yourself time to deal with your feelings.
“If there are children involved, be civil especially when you see them with your ex around,” he advises.
“It is important to join family so that you can be close to people who care about you and share the Christmas cheer with you. Further, instead of focusing on your feelings of sadness, look for ways you can make a difference to someone else; maybe take them a small gift or offer them a meal. Go to church on Christmas morning or spend a short while at that beautiful place you’re so fond of,” he adds.
If you are the one who has chosen to end the relationship just before or during Christmas, do not bury yourself in guilt over your decision.
According to Dorree Lynn, a psychologist and author of Sex for Grownups, that you shouldn’t break up and get sad or lonely at Christmas, is a myth. She says that while Christmas is touted as a wonderful and joyous time, there are people facing a tremendous level of stress and sadness which shouldn’t be ignored to fit in with the festive mood.
Moreover, according to Sandra L Brown, a psychopathologist and the author of Women Who Love Psychopaths, you should not keep a man you’re not happy and content with simply to protect the Christmas fantasy.
“One night with the twinkle of Christmas tree lights and a ribbon on a gift doesn’t make a bad man stable or good for you. Remember how he behaved the other many days of the year to help you stick with your decision” she says.
