RELATIONSHIP TIPS: The risky side of dating a widower

Dating a man who is grieving the loss of his wife or who has not moved past his late wife is no easy task. While he may have all the attributes of the perfect partner, his ability to reciprocate your feelings and affection will largely depend on his emotional state and the position his late wife still occupies within him.

THE REPLICA

To begin with, according to Abel Keogh, the author of Life with a Widower, widowers will often be attracted to women who remind them of their late wives. This can be a red flag, especially in a new relationship. “It will not be a good sign when dating a man whose wife passed away recently and your characteristics greatly match hers,” says Abel. These could range from hairstyles, dressing code, cooking style, or general life interests. By sharing so many similar interests, you may have to contend with regular references to how his late wife loved the same things. Consequently, says Abel, the widower will not see you for who you really are, but will instead see a version of his late wife. “He’ll want you to be his late wife, and will not hesitate to end the relationship once he realises that you can’t be that woman,” he says.

LOVE OR EMPATHY

According to Susan Gacheru, a family therapist based in Nakuru, a widower will either wholesomely love you, or love your empathetic gestures and attitude towards him. “For widowers, falling back in love is a delicate act. For instance, if he loves your sympathy, he may not be too quick to make you his full romantic partner,” she cautions. In the same vein, expressions of affection will be limited to how you do things or how you treat him instead of who you are to him. “For example, he will not tell you he loves you, but will often say how he loves your kindness,” says Gacheru. Nonetheless, according Abel, a widower may seriously date and even marry a woman he doesn’t really love. “This is because the void and loneliness left by their late wife are so acute that they’ll get serious with the first woman who shows the slightest interest in them,” he says, adding that whether he’s in love or not, a widower will often treat their new woman with utmost chivalry. “He will be very romantic, and tell you how he loves you such that it might be difficult to tell if he’s genuinely ready to move on or fighting the ghost of loneliness.”

HIS GRIEF

One of the things you will be awake to is your date’s grief. Inevitably, you will want to help him overcome it. However, you should be aware that he may be very rigid when it comes to talking about his grief. “This will be more than just the reluctance men have on talking about their feelings. He will recoil and at times say you are intruding on his privacy,” says Gacheru. She points out that despite the hurt, a widower who sees a future with you should be able to occasionally open up about his emotional state.