It’s ok to walk away

When 32-year-old Susan Ngahu ended her relationship with her unfaithful boyfriend, the first thought that crossed her mind was that the five years she had put into the relationship were an utter waste of most of her adult years. What was it all for, anyway? she asks.

All relationships inevitably come to an end: they may end in marriage (the start of a new chapter of the relationship all together) or they may end in a break-up (the start of a new life as a single girl all over again).

Why we imagine that a break-up means ‘failure’ is not clear. Marriage is where we all want a blossoming relationship to end, true. But when it does not, what measures a successful relationship changes: for an individual, this measure is the experience itself of being in the relationship – the happy, the fun, and the loving experiences while the relationship lasted.

Research shows that people who have the emotional strength and maturity to walk away from a draining relationship usually don’t exhibit the negative emotions which follow a break-up.

These emotions are replaced by an energetic burst of optimism and hope that they will now get into a relationship worthy of them, says Gary Lewandowski and Nicole Bizzoco in their 2007 research paper.

GOOD BREAK-UP

The key to a break-up having a positive impact, the research says, is in focusing on the positive experiences of the relationship. When you choose to look at your ended relationship as a failure, what you are effectively doing is ignoring all these experiences.

“We enjoyed plenty of memorable adventures in the years we were together,” Susan says with a nostalgic laugh. She pauses to reminisce before she continues, “Consciously focusing on these good times made the anger and heartache somewhat easier to deal with. With time, I didn’t feel like I had failed myself or the relationship in choosing to walk away instead of remaining to fix it. If anything, I have grown because of it. I am wiser. I am more content.”

For a short- to medium-term relationship (one which lasts less than three years), its experience is found in its purpose: What are we getting into this relationship for?

For most, this purpose is driven by selfish needs. A handful may get into it with the aim of fulfilling their partner’s desires.

Either way, once this purpose has been fulfilled, the relationship cannot mature into anything greater than what it is. There is no longer any need to hang on to it. A break-up is inevitable, but there will be no feelings of discontentment irrespective of who initiates the break-up.

Twenty-nine-year-old Caroline Mwobobia was in a relationship which, looking back now, was merely a coping mechanism to handle change.

Too much had happened in her life in a short space of time: She was still grieving the loss of her mother. A post-graduate scholarship application she had been crossing her fingers for was rejected, catastrophically changing her career plans. She had piled on excess stress kilos. Then the bank where she worked asked her to relocate counties to Meru.

No sooner had she finished unpacking her suitcases than she met Steve and asked him to move in with her. What was her purpose for being in this relationship for two and a half years?

“I was using him as a crutch to bounce back – I needed someone to be there when I returned home from work. Someone who would hold me when I cried myself to sleep at night. A shoulder to lean on, you know?

I needed reassurance that I still had it, that I was still sexy. I am not certain why Steve stayed in the relationship, though,” Caroline says.

WALKING AWAY

When the time came to move back home, Caroline put her affairs in order then casually announced to Steve that the relationship was over. She was cold.

He took it with a straight face. She told him he could keep the house. He told her she would make it in life. She smiled. They hugged goodbye then agreed to remain friends.

Does she still keep in touch with him? “Yes, there is the occasional courtesy call but that’s just about it.”

In response to whether walking away from a relationship is a sign of personal failure, relationship psychologist Chris Hart says, “No, not at all. If there is a clash of values, or if your expectations of getting into the relationship are not being met, then by all means, walk away from it. People have a tendency to put up with too much, for too long instead of letting go early on. It’s either working or it isn’t. Period.”

How can I end it without feeling like a failure?

Walking away from a relationship asks for a different set of rules from the balancing logic of pros and cons. Writing in the book Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay, Mira Kirshenbaum says this is wrong way to make the decision to end the relationship.

An alternative approach for a person seeking long-term happiness is to diagnose the state of the relationship using a ‘filter’ of 36 yes/no questions Kirshenbaum presents in her book. What drives her questions – and your responses – is the experience and the current situation of the relationship. An extract of these questions:

• If God or some divine being told you it was OK to leave your relationship, would you feel relieved that you could finally leave?
• Do you genuinely like your partner, and does your partner seem to genuinely like you?
• Do you feel willing to give your partner more than you are giving already?
• Is there something your partner does that makes your relationship too bad to stay in?
• Do you and your partner have fun together?