SEXUAL HEALTH: Reignite the spark

What happens when spouses lose interest in intimacy? PHOTO| FILE| NATION MEDIA GROUP

What you need to know:

  • For some, the dowry they paid entitles them to unlimited sex.
  • For others, it is a legal requirement, and since the marriage can be declared null and void if it is not consummated, they force themselves to do it.
  • There are also others who do it purely for child bearing.

I do not know your reasons for having sex, or maybe you have never thought about it. I’m, however, frequently hearing married couples demanding sex for strange reasons. For some, the dowry they paid entitles them to unlimited sex. For others, it is a legal requirement, and since the marriage can be declared null and void if it is not consummated, they force themselves to do it. There are also others who do it purely for child bearing. Yet still there are those who have sex to please their spouses. Others even do it to fulfill rituals.

If you have sex purely for any of these reasons as the main driving factor in marriage, then you are headed for troubled times. This was my caution to Joan and Andrew as they argued bitterly about their sex lives in front of me in the consultation room at the Sexology clinic. Andrew justifying why he had to have sex with Joan, and Joan insisting that it was his mechanical approach to intimacy that had killed her desire for sex.

The couple was in their late thirties. They had been married for nine years and had two children. They had been happily married until the seventh year when Joan lost interest in sex. Andrew made advances at her several times but they only had sex once a month on average.

“And I did not have it because I felt attracted to him, it was just to create peace,” Joan explained.

The two were frustrated and their arguments would often degenerate into verbal fights and insults. They decided to come to the Sexology Clinic to resolve what was growing into a serious conflict.

“So is it fair that after she has had the number of children she wanted I can no longer have sex with her and yet she is my wife?” Andrew asked.

“So what do you expect me to do if I have no feelings for you, do I pretend that I am interested?” Joan shouted back, “For me that is tantamount to accepting rape, and in fact, you have raped me a few times.”

THAT KISS

Joan and Andrew were going through what many couples I see at the clinic are experiencing. The main cause of the problem is that the environment the couple has created for the relationship is not enabling for sex. If you want great sex, make your spouse your best friend and get interested in what they are going through. Are they stressed at work? Have they had lunch today? What kind of dinner would they want tonight? I am not talking about wives playing their socially sanctioned duties here; it is a man taking interest in the day-to-day lives of their wives and vice versa. At times,  call your spouse or send them SMS and tell them you miss them. Tell them how you are attracted to them and how you want to hold them. There is no harm doing this many times in a day if you truly feel so.

And when they come from work in the evening, just give them a kiss, a long one at that. It makes all the difference. And I hope you are not one of those people who are scared of touching their spouses in public. Holding each other’s hands or touching in a decent way in public is good for your relationship.

“These sound like sentences from a fairy tale! My husband is a macho man, the kind who orders you to run to bed because he wants sex when he has been quarreling you everyday,” Joan lamented.

“Please, must you say that? Give me a break!” Andrew interjected.

Well, one has to learn what works for healthy sex in a relationship. The couple has to see sex as a priority for the relationship. They have to go out of their way to create a conducive environment for it to happen. Ensuring skin-to-skin touch in bed, for example, can do wonders, rather than sleeping in an astronaut kind of attire. You should also be intentional in turning to face your spouse. Make it a habit to cuddle. All these lead to release of hormones that improve bonding and this enhances the relationship. Also know that familiarity kills romance. There are couples who sleep in the same bed in the same bedroom for years on end. They do not go on romantic holidays to try new things in a new environment. A holiday even in the cheapest of places can be a game changer for your marriage.

Jane and Andrew registered for intimacy classes, and within two months, they were back on their feet, better repositioned to enjoy the pleasure of sex in their marriage.