Tip your hat to the weightloss warriors

PHOTO | FILE

What you need to know:

  • Women everywhere are joining gyms, doing yoga and shedding pounds – and they must be applauded

I’d like to take this opportunity to commend every woman currently on a diet or a fitness regime, on those god-awful vegetable smoothies, or starving themselves half to death in the name of reclaiming their waistline. I would also like to encourage those lying perplexed on the floor next to the weight-loss bandwagon off which they have just fallen.

Rome, dear, took a long time to build, so climb back on and avoid your cake-baking friend. Oh, it would also be a great disservice to forget those who swore that they would lose some weight this year, itemised that as number one on their New Year resolution list, but are yet to do anything about it. Take heart. It’s the thought that counts.

But you truly have to sympathise with a woman on a mission to cut some weight. It’s a complex and arduous journey mostly littered with misery and frustration. And in case you are wondering, they don’t do it for us like I used to think. They do it for themselves, for the lovely dresses they bought but can’t fit into, for weddings coming up that have to be attended in full regalia.

They do it for their colleagues at work, girlfriends, peers and for the silent but judgmental Facebook crowd where they will eventually put up triumphant pictures of themselves less five kilogrammes for idle and leery men to “like” and two-faced ‘friends’ to gush: “Oh sweetie, you look fabulous. So happy for you.”

Every morning as I drive to work I see loads of plus-size women on the road, jogging or walking, headphones thrust in their ears to internalise their mission. Truly, it’s a sight that fills me with a good feeling. It means they care. It means someone somewhere will reap the fruits of that hard labour – whether optically or physically. Which means humanity wins.

REAR MINEFIELD

There is a lot of activity going on around this weight-loss bug. Gyms are swarming with women trying to burn some calories without breaking so much of a sweat as to look unattractive.

The dedicated ones are really dedicated; they diligently do their weights, attend aerobics classes and remember to warm down as they try not to stare at themselves in the mirror. Walk over and say something to this type of girl, such as: “Keep up with that regime, those arms are toning nicely.”

She might shrug it off with a nonchalant “thanks”, but it goes a long way. Try not comment on their bum, no matter how nicely that’s also toning too.

To digress, a bit: The female posterior is the riskiest body part to compliment in a gym. If you say it’s big nicely, she will take offense; if you say it’s small nicely, she will take offense. If you say you it moves nicely, she will take offense because she doesn’t want it to move.

So ignore the posterior, it’s a minefield. It’s easier to compliment body parts that can’t be construed as sexual, for instance, “Hey, I love the way your porenus longus are coming together” (rough translation: You have nice legs). This is great because she will assume you are some boring doctor / physiotherapist.

Anyway, where was I? Yeah. More women are now joining those sweaty boxing / Tae Bo gyms to do those rigorous physical regimes. Never mind that now they look like the possess Omar Epps’s arms. Their mission, though, is to build physical strength, whether for personal protection or as a confidence builder, I know not. But I know they won’t hesitate to break your arm if you don’t keep it to yourself.

Then there is the legion that has discovered yoga and Zumba. They carry fancy duffel bags in their car trunks and are all about mind-body harmony. They seek calmness. Internal rhythm and peace. They have “learnt” how to breathe and speak to their “chi.”

WIN-WIN SITUATION

All these women have one thing in common, and it’s the easiest way to identify them: they are always hydrating. The rest of us “drink” water but these women “hydrate.”

You will see them in traffic, on the streets, in the banking hall, at garages, grocery stores, with their water-carrying vessels in pink, blue, white, plastic, metallic, branded, cheap, expensive… all hydrating. Always hydrating.

Whilst our bodies are composed of 60 per cent water, theirs is 62 per cent. Some believe, for some reason, that drinking lots of water helps with weight loss.

Here is how this is a win-win for both you and her. A woman on a path of healthy living is generally a cheap date. They hardly eat. Take them to dinner and you can be sure that after spending two hours staring at the menu they will settle for a dreadful salad or something very tame like grilled fish fillet (red meat apparently is the devil’s food) and salad.

Forget them touching any carbohydrates after 6pm. Not even with a ten-foot pole. And they will drink moderately, like a glass or two of red wine. Then they will hydrate with 20 litres of water before they sleep.

The only time you will feel sorry for this type is during meals because they look so miserable, sitting there, trying not to stare at your juicy sirloin steak that sizzles and rises with a heavenly aroma while she picks at her rabbit food.

She will discreetly follow your steak knife as you slice into your juicy steak, exposing the moist fibres of your meat. That sound you hear? Oh, it’s nothing, that’s just her swallowing hard. And when she finally succumbs to temptation she will ask for just a slice, just a “small piece”, because “it’s good to reward the body once in a while”. And for a moment you will wonder why they even bother.

But then again, any sacrifice is not too big if the result is a body that pleases you when you look at yourself in the mirror, is it?