MANTALK: Rules for the kept woman

If you’ve clinched a sponsor to pay your rent, you have to live by these rules. PHOTO| FILE| NATION MEDIA GROUP

What you need to know:

  • When men pay rent their voices become louder. They are more entitled. They will walk into your house and ask, “kwani you never cook in this house?”

  • He will want to have home-cooked meals once in a while. None of that Galitos delivery thing that you like because you can’t be caught dead cutting an onion with your new nails.

Last week I wrote about women who pay rent for their boyfriends. (Man bites dog). This fine Saturday, let’s talk about men who pay rent for their girlfriend(s). (Definitely dog bites man.)

They could be married or single men. They could be divorced or widowed. Doesn’t matter. Actually this article is for women who are thinking of having their rent paid for by men. Men I understand are lovingly known as sponsors in urban lingo.

You live in a nice servants’ quarters, behind the main house where the landlady prays loudly every night to rid the world of demons.

They probably have a dog, and two fat spoilt brats who can’t pronounce your name. It’s a decent house, you pay 30K a month in rent. And because you don’t believe in that gospel of independence, that you, a modern lady, can take care of your damn self, you know, the same song we hear in bars from women who drink mojitos during Happy Hour, you will choose to have some guy pay your rent.

There is a hell lot you can do with that 30K, right? Pay your school fees. Support your jobless sibling. Use it on wardrobe. Upgrade your weave.

It’s all good. But having your rent paid for comes with a few unspoken rules, which I’m sure you may well be aware of because, as they say in the city, “there is no such thing as free lunch.” But just in case you need a reminder, here are the rules:

EXCLUSIVITY

In case you haven’t noticed, now you are exclusive with the rent payer. No way will he pay your rent and you are out in town, running with Chris Brown look-alikes. You are dating.

There are no single girls being paid for rent. Unless it’s your dad paying your rent.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN A MAN PAYS YOUR RENT?

When men pay rent their voices become louder. They are more entitled. They will walk into your house and ask, “kwani you never cook in this house?”

He will want to have home-cooked meals once in a while. None of that Galitos delivery thing that you like because you can’t be caught dead cutting an onion with your new nails.

IT’S TECHNICALLY HIS HOUSE.

Yes. You can change the colour of curtains and buy new cutlery. But it’s his house too.

WHICH MEANS…

Which means he gets a key. Nothing says “it’s mine” more than a key.

AND WHAT DOES A KEY MEAN?

It means access. At any time. The guy who pays the rent doesn’t have to call you to say he’s coming over. For what? Who calls their homes to say they are coming over? He will show up at 2am. Or even on Labour Day.

DID I TELL YOU ABOUT THE CHAIR?

Our fathers had their own chairs in the house. It wasn’t even that his name was written on it. Nobody sat on their chairs. It was very dictatorial, but powerfully symbolic. It was an embodiment of authority. And power. Many decades have passed and men still have their own chairs in the house, even though they aren’t as powerful or as symbolic as they once were. Everybody has their chair in their houses. It’s that chair that says “I’m the cock here.”

Normally it takes the shape of his ass because that’s the only place he sits when he’s in the house. The guy who pays your rent will sit in a particular chair frequently.

This means that when you have people over, you might try not have them sit on his chair, unless he is away. Or he stopped paying rent.

THEN THE ISSUE OF OTHER MEN...

Of course he won’t pay your rent for you to entertain other men in that house. You won’t say, “Ah, Johnny and I have been friends for ages, since uni actually, he’s like a brother. He will be coming over for drinks this Saturday night, I’m sure it’s OK, hunny bun.” Oh, I’m sure it’s not!

You will be asked to meet your Johhny in a bar, unless it’s a big campus reunion going on in that house. Nobody pays your rent to have you bring other men into that territory.

So if you are one of those girls with more male friends than female friends, the type who say, “I find men easier to get along with than women” then work hard and pay your own rent and host whomever you want. But if you are having your rent paid, oh, get along with those men outside his house.

SO WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR YOUR CAKE?

This means that you can’t have your cake and eat it. You can’t be paid for rent and retain full autonomy. You sell your independence for rent. That’s just what it is. Because nobody wants to throw good money down a tub, chaps who pay rent make sure that it’s got good return in investment. Theirs is not a charitable cause.

They aren’t doing their good deed for the year. They want value. Returns. They want sex, of course. I’m yet to hear someone who pays rent for companionship, although I understand that there

are chaps who pay rent because they want a place they can go after work and lie on a couch and be told by the rent-receiving woman what a fantastic man he is. Like an ego massage parlour of sorts. That’s some twisted sh**.

 

But hey, everybody wins at the end of it all, don’t they? You get to buy new weaves and he gets to feel like a lion. And God knows we need more lions now that the few we have left are getting shot.