Age is more than a number

I met Rose last week at the sexology clinic. She had been contemplating suicide since her boyfriend dumped her. “I felt it was unfair after I invested so much money and emotions in him,” Rose said, tears rolling down her cheeks. “Now I realise I was fooling myself, there was no way it was going to work.”

She said she had spared her life for the sake of her children. She had also contemplated killing Ben, the runaway boyfriend, but he was nowhere to be found.

Rose is 38 years old. She has three children. The father of her children was her husband of 10 years, with whom she had parted ways. She had a stable job and was able to take care of her children after the divorce. But she felt empty inside. Life was meaningless without love. She yearned for a man. “Ben came a year later when I needed him most,” she explained. “I met him at a party and fell in love instantly.” 

But the bliss was shortlived, for there was a hurdle: Ben was 24, while Rose was 36, at the time they met. At 12 years younger than Rose, the two were in a cross-generational relationship. ‘Cross-generational relationship’ refers to a minimum 10-year age difference between the couple. In most cases, it is the man who is older. Rose and Ben’s case was one of the rare ones.

Ben also had his own problems with it. “He kept saying that he felt overpowered and that he wanted to feel like a man,” Rose explained. In addition, he was afraid his parents would never forgive him if they discovered the kind of relationship he was in. He however enjoyed the affluent life that Rose gave him.

UNEQUALLY YOKED

He had just started working after graduating as a communications specialist so he did not earn much money. Rose bought him a car and expensive clothes. She also paid his rent in an up-market estate. She did all these for what she gained in the relationship. “He brought a new experience to my life. He had the vigour and took it up a notch when expressing intimacy,” Rose explained. Ben got an international job with better pay. Without warning Rose, he flew out of the country. She only learnt from Ben’s friends that he was gone.

Rose’s story proves just how difficult cross-generational relationships are. The power dynamics tend to favour the older person. The younger person feels taken advantage of, even though the older person may spend money and resources to maintain the younger person. Medically, the younger person faces risks of disease, and unwanted pregnancy in the case of women. It is hard for them to negotiate for protected sex because they feel overpowered. They also feel that they are paying back for the material wealth with which they are showered.

Many young people go into such relationships for the fun of the moment. They do not anticipate that it will last long. When they are in it, however, they feel trapped and do not know what to do. They are aware that violence can be meted on them and they do not risk walking out or keeping other relationships openly with their age-mates.

Social disapproval of cross-generational relationships only adds to the complexity. Those involved have to keep it a secret. Parents do not allow their children to date much older people and will do anything to stop the relationship. They consider such a relationship embarrassing and immoral.

“But mine was genuine, I was not exploiting Ben, I loved him!” Rose exclaimed, her voice rising. “We just did not make it public or formalise it.”

Well, that is neither here nor there. Healthy relationships have to be mutual. The fact that Ben went into hiding was testimony to the one-sidedness of the relationship. You should be able to tell when the feeling is mutual and the intentions are the same.

My diagnosis was that Rose rushed into this complicated relationship without healing from her divorce. The young man took advantage of her, got what he wanted and took off. Adults engaging in cross-generational relationships must know that the days are gone when they could fool young people. Rose was booked for counselling to help her heal. It is only after the healing that she can make rational decisions about a new relationship.